The myth of the perfect baby

Yeah, I know I have them a lot.  I had this whole post started like a week ago about my beautiful daughter, but I can't seem to get it right.  I just am not doing her or our story any justice so I have that on hold and have just decided to start anew today.  I'm desperately trying to put my shit together and it's just not working.  I'm very much missing my friend, who I don't believe I've mentioned here before.  He's a wonderful man I met on the internet.  Odd, I know, you generally don't meet normal people online, but this guy is a gem.  I don't get to talk to him nearly as often as I'd like to and he's about the only voice of reason in my insane world because he's objective.  He doesn't know my family from anyone, but is always able to give me good advice, even when it's to kick me in the ass and tell me that I need to get over myself.  I'm also missing my sister in law who is not my sister in law.  Strange story I guess...

Yeah, so I feel like a fucking loser again today.  I don't want to leave my room.  The best description I have is that I want to go home and I have no home to go to.  This doesn't feel like home.  It just feels like somewhere I'm staying.  I don't want to cook in that tiny little kitchen with my grandmother's things that I might god for fucking bid ruin or break.  Glass things break here all the time.  Skeptics be warned, you can believe me or not, I don't give a shit, but this house is haunted.  Or I am, I don't know which (or should it be witch, lol?).  These dark feelings creep up on me so quickly it's scary sometimes.  I think they need to up my meds.  In all seriousness though, this whole not feeling at home here thing really sucks.  I want to be able to feel like I'm home here.  I used to feel that way.  I pretty much grew up in this house, so it's almost painful to me that I feel so unwelcome here.  I'm ...