The myth of the perfect baby

Still I Rise You may write me down in history  With your bitter, twisted lies,  You may tread me in the very dirt  But still, like dust, I'll rise.  Does my sassiness upset you?  Why are you beset with gloom?  'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells  Pumping in my living room.  Just like moons and like suns,  With the certainty of tides,  Just like hopes springing high,  Still I'll rise.  Did you want to see me broken?  Bowed head and lowered eyes?  Shoulders falling down like teardrops.  Weakened by my soulful cries.  Does my haughtiness offend you?  Don't you take it awful hard  'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines  Diggin' in my own back yard.  You may shoot me with your words,  You may cut me with your eyes,  You may kill me with your hatefulness,  But still, like air, I'll rise.  Does my sexiness upset you?  Does it come as a surprise  That I dance like...

Well, I'm old.  I'm going to be forty in about a month, and that's been weighing heavy on my mind lately, but even more, my oldest child had a birthday the other day.  The other day, my daughter turned twenty.  I never in the WORLD would've thought I'd be old enough to have a twenty year old daughter.  I never thought I'd make it to forty.  I never thought... It's been a rough little patch here, but when isn't it, right?  There's almost never a dull moment in my world, but the last few weeks has been even stranger than most.  And for the last several days I've been battling a headache.  The kind that makes me keep the lights dimmed and my head still and a bowl near by in case I can't get to the bathroom on time.  I'm really lucky that my screen can dim way down or I wouldn't be able to write here.  Just one of the many maladies that I suffer from that sometimes I get told I'm making up. Yep, it's one of THOSE blogs aga...

As always in the world there is good news and bad news.  The good news first, I'm just that kind of gal.  Memphis is in underpants.  Like, he pees on the potty almost every damn time.  He hasn't had a number two yet that was totally successful but he sure has tried like hell!  I'm really proud of him. We tried a three day potty training program and it didn't work worth a shit for us, it took more like the 5 day plan but then he finally got it.  All it took was for him to get some big boy underwear and he got the idea just that easy.  Was really pretty cool!  He even stays dry at night and during naps although I'm keeping him in pullups or cloth trainers and a plastic pant just in case. Now on to the other stuff.  I am still feeling pretty shitty.  Mentally, I just can't get a grip on what's going on in my life.  My "housemates" are worse to live with than anyone else I've ever lived with and I've lived with some real peachy peop...

Yeah, you heard me, they can suck it.  They are supposed to be some great charity right?  That's what I'd always thought, that's what I'd always heard, and that's what I'd always read.  Well, I guess I was wrong.  I've had good years and I've had bad years.  On good years, we've even been the family that donates to Toys for Tots.  A few years, we "adopted" a family and bought gifts for them.  That's why I thought that this year of all years it would be ok to ask for help back.  I've had a bad few years financially.  We barely squeak by most of the time.  I supplement a lot of what we have here with my free stuff, I get stuff for the pets and the kids, and I have some really generous friends that have helped me, but I wanted to be able to give my younger two kids a few things from "santa" this year.  My older two kids aren't even getting ANYTHING from us.  Not one damn thing.  19 and 17 and there won't be anything u...

I wrote a post the other day explaining why I have such a hard time in October.  If you read it, and read down to the comments, it explains a lot of why my behavior has been so strange as of late.  I'm also just plain not feeling well.  Something is up with my heart again and the shortness of breath is beyond dealable for the moment and it was suggested by my cardiologist that I use my oxygen machine whenever I get short of breath or have any kind of dizziness that doesn't immediately go away after sitting down.  Here's the thing, I take meds that make me dizzy all the time, so sometimes I put it off.  Yesterday, I realized both my portable tanks are empty and I'm out of clean 50 foot tubing and cannulas so I have a whole new bullshit deal I have to handle for the week.  Yesterday, I had a bout of hiccups (I know, seems really lame and benign, right?) but if you have a cardiac history like mine, you know hiccups that just won't go away are a bad thing. ...

First, I'm going to apologize the the Mesothelioma foundation and especially to Heather Von St James.  She had very graciously offered me the chance to write about National Mesothelioma Awareness day on September 26 and I dropped the ball.  Completely.  I got overwhelmed in my head and in my life and I just didn't do what I said I would do.  I'm so very sorry for that.  I'm not sure how to make up for it, but if anyone has any ideas, please leave a comment. I drop the ball on a lot of things.  I just do.  Obviously, that's not what I set out to do, it just happens more often than I'd like it to.  I suffer right along with everyone else when I've done it too.  I guess that's the universe's way of reminding me to get my shit together.  Which I still, at almost 40, have yet to do.  I've just never been good at the follow through.  I desperately WANT to make people happy, but no matter my intent, I don't meet those goals very of...

When I was pregnant with Phiz, my case manager at Care1st called the area I live Never Never land, because if you need good medical care you're never never going to get it.  Oh my good golly is that ever the fucking case when it comes to good old Antelope Valley Hospital Medical Center's Emergency Department. Over the last week I dealt with a nasty clogged duct in my left boob.  THE boob, the one with the pacemaker up top, so it's painful when that boob even gets full, let alone a clogged duct, but they happen. Of course when it happens it's that boob and the duct right under the pacemaker. Since the pacemaker is generally sore ANYWAY, and something I never mention because frankly, if I mentioned every time something hurt on me I'd never say anything else.  So the clogged duct had a weird milk blister thing that I was able to get easily with a sterilized tweezers and the milk started flowing just fine and all was well that day. The next day, the duct was clogged a...

I don't know who I am today.  I know that sounds cryptic and strange, but I don't.  I know I'm someone's mother, I know I'm someone's wife, and I know I'm someone's daughter but beyond that I have no idea who "I" am.  I used to be pretty, I used to be funny, I used to be happy, I used to be someone.  I used to be able to go places and do things.  I used to be... I don't know when it changed exactly or who I turned into.  I'm not sure what caused it all.  I'm not even sure I know what to call it.  I do know I haven't left my bedroom to do more than go to the bathroom since day before yesterday.  I didn't even go downstairs yesterday.  I haven't yet today either.  It's tense here.  There is friction I can't explain.  There has been so much grief in this last year that maybe that's it, I don't know.  If it weren't for my husband, my kids would have starved to death the last little while because I don...