A year ago today...

I was sitting on a surgical bed being sewn back together after my youngest son was brutally ripped from my womb and my fertility was forever destroyed.  I know that sounds very dramatic, but in truth that's exactly how I feel.  See, even though I've suffered through severe morning sickness, PSD (some painful pregnancy related shit that makes your pelvis feel like it's shattered), and loss, I love being pregnant.  I don't know why really, I just do.  For some reason today I feel almost as if I'm mourning my fertility still.

A year ago right now, all I cared about was that he was breathing on his own, the ramifications of the tubal ligation were beyond my thoughts at the time and now they are a prominent feature of my being.  I feel almost less of a woman because I can no longer reproduce.  I had no business having Memphis anyway, but I would have another if I could still get pregnant.  I suppose it's a great thing I can't.  If I was healthy I'd have 10 kids. 

At this sentimental (emphasis on MENTAL) time I am overjoyed and sad all at the same time.  His party is tomorrow and I'm sure after the reality of it sinks all the way in and I take him for his one year shots and all it will affect me differently.  For now, I'll just share a video I made shortly after he was born.

Until next time...
J

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