Sunday, May 25, 2014

Wow, Am I Old, And Boy Do I Need A Car....

Well, I'm old.  I'm going to be forty in about a month, and that's been weighing heavy on my mind lately, but even more, my oldest child had a birthday the other day.  The other day, my daughter turned twenty.  I never in the WORLD would've thought I'd be old enough to have a twenty year old daughter.  I never thought I'd make it to forty.  I never thought...

It's been a rough little patch here, but when isn't it, right?  There's almost never a dull moment in my world, but the last few weeks has been even stranger than most.  And for the last several days I've been battling a headache.  The kind that makes me keep the lights dimmed and my head still and a bowl near by in case I can't get to the bathroom on time.  I'm really lucky that my screen can dim way down or I wouldn't be able to write here.  Just one of the many maladies that I suffer from that sometimes I get told I'm making up.

Yep, it's one of THOSE blogs again.  Kind of an introspective, I'm bitching about my life because no one in my real world even gives a flying fig at a rolling rats ass about what I'm complaining about.  I swear, no one.  It sucks to not have anyone in my day to day life to turn to.  And I know what you're probably thinking here.  You get what you give right?  Well, I don't have anything left to give because I've already given it all away over the years.  I'm agoraphobic.  I don't have the ability to go outside like a normal person and make friends.  I used to rely on going to work and making friends at work.  Now I don't have such a thing and therefore I have no friends.  I have panic attacks going to the drug store to pick up my meds for crying out loud.  How on earth am I supposed to meet people?  And even if I did, who would want to be friends with someone like me anyway?  No one, that's who.  That's why I don't keep friends once I make them.  I'm unreliable to put it nicely.  I know that.  I can't help it.  I don't mean to be sick, I don't mean to have a family that sucks the life out of me at every given opportunity and I don't mean to be so poor I can't do anything but barely pay my bills.  I'm the not fun friend with all the problems, the  horrible attitude and no money and no car.  When I lay it all out like that, it's no wonder I don't have anyone that wants to hang out with me.  Yeah.

So there's all that shit for you.  I don't know what else to say about any of that.  I've also got my Phiz issues.  Poor guy was all but potty trained and then got himself a UTI and had a relapse and now he doesn't want to go on the potty at all now.  So we're back to pull ups or diapers most of the time because he'd had so many accidents he didn't want to wear his underpants.  On a good note, I was able to FINALLY part with some more of his baby stuff that I'd been having such a hard time getting rid of.  It was a mental block...but there was a baby in need so I sent them along to help that baby.  I also sent along my cloth diaper stash.  That was hard for me to do, mainly because I'd spent a good little chunk of money on them and because I feel like because they are gone now, something will come up and I'll need them.  Like my daughter will get pregnant or something.  But I needed to feel useful, and it made me feel useful to be able to do that and help another person and their baby.  So that's what I did!

On an entirely different note, I've got puppies in the house again.  And kittens. That cat I was convinced was a male cat until she was almost six months old?  SHE had kittens last week.  Very sadly, we lost a dog on mother's day and it was awful.  We really thought it was parvo for a little while, because the first dog got sick, and then another dog got sick and then we discovered that there is an outbreak in our area and even vaccinated dogs are getting it.  We only have one dog that's fully vaccinated and that's my big Bear dog, one of the mommy dogs.  The other dog that got sick was the other mom, Maggie.  She got SO sick that we ended up having to feed her pups for several days to help her out.  They almost didn't make it.  She almost didn't make it.  She's still very thin and looks terrible but I'm pretty sure she's going to make it.  The pups too.  I need to get these animals fixed something awful.  I had had a rescue group willing to help me out, but of course, they had a parvo outbreak also, and the resources they had to help me with were used saving some other dogs.  So I'm back to square one with all these unfixed dogs.  Even if I do get an appointment to get them all fixed, I'd never be able to get them all there, you can't take dogs on the bus unless they are service dogs.  Somehow, I never manage to get a ride anywhere.  I need a car so bad it's ridiculous.  I feel like I'm never going to get one, and that's in my list of things to feel sorry for myself over.  I own a car.  But it doesn't run, and it's not registered or insured anyway.  It's like it's my lot in life to be stuck here, in these same four walls, until I go so crazy I need to be committed.  I don't know how or what to do to get a car either.  And no one that doesn't live here cares at all I don't think, because they all have a car and none of them are stuck.  It's one of those things I hoped that my husband would take care of, because I truly can't and instead of doing anything about it, it's still broken in the driveway and I still can't go anywhere.  I've had x-ray orders since last July I haven't been able to get done because I have no way to get there to do them.  Where I have to go isn't on the bus line either and I just can't afford a cab there.  Same with my blood work...I am supposed to go get blood work done every six weeks to make sure my heart meds aren't killing my liver and my kidneys.  But I have no way to get to the lab to get them done, so I just don't.  And I get all itchy and my eyes turn yellow and my urine turns brown and I hope I don't die.  Because I don't have a car.  Or, well, I do have a car, just not one that runs.  I want to blame it all on myself, but the truth is, I'm not here alone and it's NOT all my fault.  I can't be the only responsible person here, but somehow I am.  I'm not very responsible for the most part and I offer no excuse for that, I'm just not.  I'd hoped at this point in my life I would be, but well, I'm just not.  I need help with things and I had hoped that being married for this long that my husband would've grown up at some point, but he never did.  So I'm just stuck.  With a bunch of dogs having puppies all over and a cat having kittens and kids that don't do much and a husband that doesn't either and lab work I can't get done and x-rays I desperately need to do and all these other things I could add into this run on sentence but I'll go ahead and stop here.

I think I'm going to go ahead and stop here for the day because my head is just killing me and there are people yelling.  I'm getting almost no help with anything while my head is pounding like this because it's race day and Nascar is really important to my dear husband.  Also, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling a bit better by now if I'd been able to get some help the last few days and rest and recuperate a little.  Sometimes these headaches come on because of stress, but most times it's because I've got some pinched nerves in the back of my head because there are no discs left between my vertebrae anymore.  We'd know how much worse it's gotten if I was allowed to go get those x-rays sometime soon.  And yes, I know they can't actually see the discs on the x-ray, but I can't have an MRI because I have a pacemaker and a ct scan isn't covered by my insurance until after the x-ray to prove I need one.  Which I do.  Because my spine is seriously fucked up, regardless of the fact that I still get up and do a few things here and there because if I didn't they wouldn't get done.  Ever.  Yeah, I guess I'm in a pretty foul mood.  On that cheery note, I'm gonna go see if I can't get a few minutes of rest before the yelling starts again.

Until next time...