Friday, September 12, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
The trip to the lab for my daughter's blood work started a clogged duct in my left breast that quickly shot into mastitis within a day and a half and then on the Fourth of July, Phiz fell off the bottom step in our house and broke his two front teeth. They were left very jagged, but there was quite literally nothing we could do but wait until Monday and take him to the dentist, which we did. It'll be July 29th before treatment begins and I'm still not sure exactly what they will do, but it has caused me so many slices and tears and hurts and pain that I'm feeling so out of it that I'm lost in my own pain most days lately. And the mastitis isn't quite healing. I went to the doctor, got antibiotics again and I've finished the round of high dose and still have a lump in there. I also had a mammogram, my first since having a pacemaker and I may write a whole post just on that because it was definitely strange and more painful that I anticipated.
While I was at it, I got a full spinal series of x-rays done though. From what I've been told so far they are not good. I will post a copy of them here when I get a copy of them for my own records (and I always ask for my own copy, ya never know what will get lost along the way of treatment or what radiologist will say when reading another's report). Giggle worthy, a nurse at the doctor's office just today tried to tell me that progressive degenerative joint disease means I'm getting better. How on earth she didn't know that the progressive means it gets progressively worse I don't know, but that's what she told me and then I had to remind her it wasn't just my neck they looked at, did she send the whole report to the other doctor. Of course she hadn't, so when she took a quick peek at it and saw there was a few things mentioned in my thoracic, lumbar and sacroiliac regions as well, I asked if she would please just send them the entire report to the pain management clinic before my appointment tomorrow. I felt like calling her a moron but I didn't.
I was very excited to go in the morning before my pain management appointment to get my wax fit ins for my new set of teeth only to be called at 5:38 this evening (2 hours after someone had confirmed my appointment as being good) to tell me that there is something wrong with the impressions them made TWO WEEKS ago and I need to have new ones made before they will even start building the wax bites. All I could do was cry for about 10 minutes and of course, no one in my family could begin to understand why this would even upset me, let alone to this degree. I miss being my version of pretty. I miss being who I was and damn it I MISS HAVING FUCKING TEETH. I am really looking forward to a set I can wear all day every day and feel like a normal person. There's a certain loss of dignity when you have no teeth in your mouth and all you want to do is smile. I haven't been quite the same person since I lost my smile. I was hoping to get that back.
I have some full review posts that are coming up soon. I really wanted to get back to the mamatography I started at the beginning of the year, and I am definitely going back to work before I get my ass cut open because my house is being foreclosed on for the taxes and fees the bank has paid for me and no one has paid them back for. So I need the money badly. And I still need a car in a desperate way. So I will be going through with the indiegogo campaign very very soon and I hope against hope I've got some readers in a spot that can help me with it. And for once I'm requesting any donations that anyone has available to them in the mean time. I've got a donate now button off to the right of the screen there, it goes into a paypal account I can have deposited into my netspend card (not my husband's but my own) so that I can get the little ones some clothes, and get Maxwell ready for the new school year. He'll need a new backpack, new shoes, new clothes and some school supplies as well as a light jacket and a heavy coat because two light jackets and his heavy coat that wouldn't fit again this year were stolen from him last year. I did have his name sewn into the heavy coat, but it didn't do me any good obviously, he never got it back. So now I'm a beggar of my readers too and I'm sorry :( In all honesty, if you have the clothes, shoes, backpack and jackets, I'd rather have them then money and if anyone out there can help with that I'd be happy to send you his sizes and my address. Otherwise, there is always good old paypal. On that very depressing note, I'm off to try to get some sleep for the night so I can get up early and go redo the impressions and hope to someday get my new teeth and feel human again!
Until next time...
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Snuggle Scent Boosters
Snuggle Scent Boosters are my new best friends. They are the most amazing little bundles of joy that I am desperately in love with. Offering full disclosure, I've only used the lavender joy variety of them, so I'm not sure if I'd love the other ones quite as much, but these babies are the best thing since fabric softener sheets.
I'm not big on liquid fabric softener mainly because it always seems to leave a spot of greasy residue on my clothes somewhere, so for the most part, I really do use sheets or none at all. Sometimes, I go all easy greeny and put some acv (apple cider vinegar) in my little dispenser. But for the most part, I just use sheets. Doesn't do much for scenting the laundry really, so I always had stale smelling towels within a day and clothes too. I don't like the way closet clothes smell! So I usually use a ton of "febreeze" that I make homemade on them to make my clothes smell less like that.
No more with these little gems. You just throw one in the bottom before you put your clothes in, the package says two, but I never have done that because I'm cheap and don't want to waste them. What I did discover is that I can make one of my home made "febreeze" concoctions with them. Here is what I do:
1 packet of snuggle scent booster cut open in a large bowl with a spout to pour
two tablespoons baking soda
one tablespoon rubbing alcohol
warm water to fill the bottles you are using (makes two full bottles)\
Mix the top three ingredients together with enough warm water to dissolve everything. Slowly add water to it to make sure there is no gritty stuff at the bottom. Pour into two spray bottles and top off with the rest of your warm water. Mix up to make sure everything has been dissolved. Use just as you would regular "febreeze" but test a small area first to make sure it doesn't discolor your fabrics, I haven't tried this on all kinds of fabric.
Enjoy the lovely scent of fresh laundry around your home!!!
And don't forget to toss those little babies in each and every load guys...everyone deserves towels that smell that awesome!
Once again, this is a sponsored blog!
****This is a sponsored review, I did receive a full size sample of the product along with coupons to try more, I was compensated by the products but have not been monetarily compensated to write this blog, nor did the compensation alter my opinion in any way. The opinions are strictly my own and are in no way a reflection of the site my blog is hosted by, or the site that provided the sample Smiley36.com*****
Until next time folks....
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Anyway, to move on with the story, I was at the time in quite a bit of pain due to the neck injury and in fact, it to this day causes me a great deal of pain because it never healed right and it grew the bone spurs on it and the discs between the vertebrae are essentially nonexistent but they are in several other places of my spine as well so I'm told I would've had an issue there regardless. On to the confession part though, when I was hit, I basically bit the steering wheel. I cracked all of my front teeth, upper and lower under the gum line, and since I already needed some (a lot) of dental work, it got bad pretty quick. I did have dental insurance, but I maxed out my benefits in just a few visits and not much was done to fix my teeth. In a short amount of time, I started to look like a crack head. I got treated like one too. Most people assumed that my teeth were like that because of drugs. They weren't, but people didn't care to ask, they just assumed and so that's how it was.
When I moved back, my friends and family were shocked to see what condition my mouth was in (I think they were surprised that I hadn't gotten fat living in the midwest also, but I hadn't). It was several years before I was able to start having any work done, and by that point, they all needed to be pulled. I've never been able to have root canal's anyway, they've always come out, the bars that they put in the hold the roots together reject. So that was not an option, the only option was to pull them all and have full upper and lower dentures made. That is my confession. I have no teeth. I haven't had any for almost 13 years now. When I had my set made, they were made cheaply (even though I didn't pay for them out of pocket, the cheapest set possible is what I've got because the state paid for them due to me being on state medical for disabled people, which I've been on for almost the entire time I've been back in California). I have never learned to eat with them in. I've never learned to wear them consistently. In fact, I only wear them when I'm going to go out or when people I don't know very well are going to see me. Of course I wear them to work, because they fill in my face and who wants to fantasize about someone toothless, right? Why am I telling you all this now? Because the state took away dental care for many years and I was not able to have them relined or fixed or looked at or have the aveoloplasty I was originally supposed to have done to make them fit right. The state just reinstated their dental program in a limited fashion, and decided that people on Medi-Cal are now allowed to go to the dentist! Yay for us poor folks! I've always felt like dental coverage shouldn't have to be a luxury for people, but sadly, in our country it is. Some third world countries take better care of their people's mouths than we do here.
So I got to make an appointment to have my teeth fixed and the appointment was for this morning. I was led to believe that they were going to do a simple hard reline and they'd just fix the pink part to make them fit right. I got myself all excited, thinking this was it, I'd learn to eat with them, and start wearing them all the time and that the bone loss I'm suffering would stop and all that happens when you have dentures and hardly ever wear them wouldn't keep happening to me. As it so often happens, I was wrong. I got to my appointment and waited forever. Keep in mind, I'd been told if I got there by a certain time, I'd get them back relined by this evening. I got there by the right time, but while I was in the waiting area, I watched the courier that picks up the appliances come and go and I'm thinking well shit, there goes my chance to get my teeth back today! I get called back, and the first thing they do is tell me I need x-rays. WHY the fuck does someone with no teeth need an x-ray? I'm pretty sure it's just to get more money, because wtf are they going to see except my damn jawbone? So they tell me I need them but I have to take all the piercings out of my face and ears. So that's 8 earrings, one of which is pretty new and still healing and shouldn't be taken out at all. An eyebrow ring, a nose ring, and my lip ring which is also not quite healed up yet. That alone took me another 10 minutes or so to get them all out and in the baggie and I had to apologize because, honestly, if I'd known I'd have taken most of them out or put retainers or bioplastics in. Then the dentist comes in, looks at me for all of 30 seconds, asks me how old my plates are and tells me that they're just going to apply to get me new teeth anyway because not only are mine really too old to risk a reline, the bottoms are cut too short on the acrylic to reline anyway! That's going to take another probably six months before I get good teeth. I'll have to go through all the gagging impressions and the wax molds and all that shit, that's something like 6 to 8 visits over 6 or 8 weeks. I'm pretty disappointed about it really. I thought I'd have teeth I could eat with by my birthday. Now I'm nervous to go through it all again and all the adjustments again. The impressions are the hardest part for me because they DO gag me really bad and I've gotten made fun of by dental assistants for it before, I'm worried I will again. I know I should be grateful I get them at all, and I truly am, I'm just disappointed it'll take so long. But this time, I hope that they'll fit really well and I'll learn how to wear them the 18 hours a day most people with dentures wear theirs.
So that is my confession. I hope that the few people that didn't already know about this that will after they read this won't be grossed out by me now. I hope that it doesn't make them think less of me, but really, if they didn't already, I don't see how this would. But this explains a great deal why some medical professionals treat me so shitty huh? See me without my teeth in and at this age? They think I'm a meth addict or a crack addict or something. Then they see I'm a pain management patient on my chart and it makes it 1,000 times worse. When I feel like shit, the last thing I want to do is put my teeth in, because they hurt to wear and I already hurt or I wouldn't be there. And with all of that, I'm going to close for today because, well, it's a long blog and I'm tired now LOL. Look forward to some product review posts coming up soon because I've got several lined up and I was blessed to try out some really cool stuff. Thanks for reading me through, I know this was a long one!
Until next time...
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Ok, so the title. I'm going to explain that right off the bat (or cat, haha, I'm so punny). As my constant readers know, we have a lot of pets. Too many. I know this, but I have a serious lack of transportation and I can never manage to get a reliable ride to go places and I'm just not comfortable asking someone I don't know all that well to cart me and my animals all over the valley to get my shit done. So I guess until I get my own vehicle I'm gonna have to be a little more careful about keeping the underwear on the female animals.
So my mom's cat had a litter of kittens. She's a weird cat, she's Jynx's sister. I thought this cat was a boy for a couple months because I didn't really check out the tidbits and that's what the person we'd gotten them from told me. We discovered that she was indeed a she and she went from being not so nice to being much nicer, so I think she was upset we were calling her a boy. Yes, I know that's not likely to have been the case, but let me have my little fantasies, will ya? So she's a she and she went in heat and wouldn't you know it, my mom's OTHER cat who is not fixed wither (of course) got her pregnant. I don't even know when she got pregnant, but doing the math it had to have been around St Patrick's day. She had the babies under the foot of my mom's bed and my mom said she didn't even know the cat had had them. I think she was full of shit, but who am I to say. When she showed up one morning skinny, I figured it out pretty damn fast and I'm on drugs and not all there, and my mom says she had "no idea"? Okay...yeah. Moving on, once my mom discovered where they were, she wouldn't leave them alone. At all. So the cat tried at first to move them upstairs with us, but my mom caught her and wouldn't let her, so she moved them somewhere else in her room. She swears up and down she has no idea where they are and says she thinks they're dead in there. We can't find them. My husband has looked, my sons have looked, my daughter has looked, even I took a flashlight and looked. In the mounds and mounds of clothes and CRAP my mom has shoved in her room, we can't find them anywhere in there. I'm almost 100% sure they're not dead because the cat has obvious evidence of feeding them, and disappears for hours on end, but no one can seem to find the missing kittens. They'll be old enough to be running around the house in another week or two so my mom won't be able to hide them any more after that. And I think Jynx might be pregnant now too. Yay me.
Now I'm going to move on to the bitchfest section of my blog. I always have one right? Because I have no real life people to talk to that are local that I can bitch to all the time and I need to get it out somewhere, this is where I turn. Evidently I amuse a few folks with my ramblings because some of you keep coming back to read my tails of woe, so thank you for that. And thank you for allowing me to HAVE somewhere to go to get the shit out!
Here at Casa De Crazy, there is a food issue. We consistently run out of it. I'm feeding a zillion fucking people here it feels like. I had to "borrow" money again this month to feed people because there is a little food goblin that makes things mysteriously disappear ALL THE TIME. It's like the toilet paper. I think she may eat that too. It doesn't matter what we buy, it's gone so fast I can't keep up. We had to get a mini fridge a while back (thanks to the same person that keeps feeding me, he keeps filling the fridge up too!) to keep some of the perishables upstairs because we just can't leave them downstairs for my mom to have access to. If we leave anything dairy downstairs, she feeds it to the cats. My beloved Spazzy cat died due to this. She was more lactose intolerant than most cats, and believe me when I say most cats ARE lactose intolerant, and my mother refused to stop giving her milk and half &half and cream. It killed her. I'm really glad I already had Jynx and that Jynx doesn't like my mom all that much or losing my Spazzy would've broken my heart a little more than it did. Anyway, it's pretty much anything though. We can't keep the little boys lunchables down there, or they disappear, she can eat a whole jar of peanut butter in a couple days. She's eaten almost an entire 10 pound bag of potatoes in less than a week. No she isn't as big as a house, but there's a reason for this. She has a stoma. A colostomy bag. So she has an incomplete digestive tract. She eats so much and so often, nothing digests and to put it unpleasantly, it all just gets moved through whole without her absorbing any of the calories or shall I say many of the calories. But she does steadily gain weight until she does stupid shit like take all her meds really fast and go into withdrawal and get sick for a week and not eat and then she'll drop a chunk of weight and it'll start the cycle again. I love my mom, but she is driving my family apart. My marriage has gotten a million times worse. My kids constantly fight with not only each other, but with me. And I am everyone's "safe zone". I'm the one they come to when they are angry and need someone to yell at. So if anyone needs to vent, they come and pick a fight with me, knowing that I'm not going to retaliate and hold a grudge.
I'm wound up so tight it's scary. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams and I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it at all. To go along with that, I just have no idea what to do about the money situation or the car situation or the house situation or pretty much any situation at all. I'm tired of people that don't consider how their actions make other people feel. I'm tired of living in a world where people flaunt what they have and make fun of people who don't have as much. I'm tired of family that says they'll help you and then every time you ask them to they more often then not don't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm stupid because I'm broke. I'm tired of people that have a little more than I do not remembering the days that I was the one with a little more and how much I helped them when they needed it. I'm tired of not being able to fucking GO ANYWHERE AT ALL without having to beg someone to take me there, and then most of the time they cancel on me. I'm tired. I'm sick. And I feel like no one cares. I have one friend. And that one friend is so far away from me that it's like being on another planet sometimes. And I feel like the friendship is far from equal because I'm constantly needing something. Needing money to feed my kids, needing to vent about something, needing him to pay a bill for me so a utility doesn't get shut off, needing SOMETHING and I take and I take and I take, and I don't have anything to give. You know why? Because in my day to day life, everyone around me takes and takes and takes from me and doesn't give me anything back. Or what little they do give back doesn't begin to fill the void they've left in me from all the taking. I guess that's a great way to explain it, I am one big void. I'm like a black hole. Anything anyone gives into me and my family won't come back because it gets sucked into oblivion. It's the most awful kind of void. And it is my life. I don't know how to crawl out of this void or creep out of this black hole. So the black hole has become my black whole. I has become who I am, but I hope it's not who I will always be.
Until next time...
Sunday, May 25, 2014
It's been a rough little patch here, but when isn't it, right? There's almost never a dull moment in my world, but the last few weeks has been even stranger than most. And for the last several days I've been battling a headache. The kind that makes me keep the lights dimmed and my head still and a bowl near by in case I can't get to the bathroom on time. I'm really lucky that my screen can dim way down or I wouldn't be able to write here. Just one of the many maladies that I suffer from that sometimes I get told I'm making up.
Yep, it's one of THOSE blogs again. Kind of an introspective, I'm bitching about my life because no one in my real world even gives a flying fig at a rolling rats ass about what I'm complaining about. I swear, no one. It sucks to not have anyone in my day to day life to turn to. And I know what you're probably thinking here. You get what you give right? Well, I don't have anything left to give because I've already given it all away over the years. I'm agoraphobic. I don't have the ability to go outside like a normal person and make friends. I used to rely on going to work and making friends at work. Now I don't have such a thing and therefore I have no friends. I have panic attacks going to the drug store to pick up my meds for crying out loud. How on earth am I supposed to meet people? And even if I did, who would want to be friends with someone like me anyway? No one, that's who. That's why I don't keep friends once I make them. I'm unreliable to put it nicely. I know that. I can't help it. I don't mean to be sick, I don't mean to have a family that sucks the life out of me at every given opportunity and I don't mean to be so poor I can't do anything but barely pay my bills. I'm the not fun friend with all the problems, the horrible attitude and no money and no car. When I lay it all out like that, it's no wonder I don't have anyone that wants to hang out with me. Yeah.
So there's all that shit for you. I don't know what else to say about any of that. I've also got my Phiz issues. Poor guy was all but potty trained and then got himself a UTI and had a relapse and now he doesn't want to go on the potty at all now. So we're back to pull ups or diapers most of the time because he'd had so many accidents he didn't want to wear his underpants. On a good note, I was able to FINALLY part with some more of his baby stuff that I'd been having such a hard time getting rid of. It was a mental block...but there was a baby in need so I sent them along to help that baby. I also sent along my cloth diaper stash. That was hard for me to do, mainly because I'd spent a good little chunk of money on them and because I feel like because they are gone now, something will come up and I'll need them. Like my daughter will get pregnant or something. But I needed to feel useful, and it made me feel useful to be able to do that and help another person and their baby. So that's what I did!
On an entirely different note, I've got puppies in the house again. And kittens. That cat I was convinced was a male cat until she was almost six months old? SHE had kittens last week. Very sadly, we lost a dog on mother's day and it was awful. We really thought it was parvo for a little while, because the first dog got sick, and then another dog got sick and then we discovered that there is an outbreak in our area and even vaccinated dogs are getting it. We only have one dog that's fully vaccinated and that's my big Bear dog, one of the mommy dogs. The other dog that got sick was the other mom, Maggie. She got SO sick that we ended up having to feed her pups for several days to help her out. They almost didn't make it. She almost didn't make it. She's still very thin and looks terrible but I'm pretty sure she's going to make it. The pups too. I need to get these animals fixed something awful. I had had a rescue group willing to help me out, but of course, they had a parvo outbreak also, and the resources they had to help me with were used saving some other dogs. So I'm back to square one with all these unfixed dogs. Even if I do get an appointment to get them all fixed, I'd never be able to get them all there, you can't take dogs on the bus unless they are service dogs. Somehow, I never manage to get a ride anywhere. I need a car so bad it's ridiculous. I feel like I'm never going to get one, and that's in my list of things to feel sorry for myself over. I own a car. But it doesn't run, and it's not registered or insured anyway. It's like it's my lot in life to be stuck here, in these same four walls, until I go so crazy I need to be committed. I don't know how or what to do to get a car either. And no one that doesn't live here cares at all I don't think, because they all have a car and none of them are stuck. It's one of those things I hoped that my husband would take care of, because I truly can't and instead of doing anything about it, it's still broken in the driveway and I still can't go anywhere. I've had x-ray orders since last July I haven't been able to get done because I have no way to get there to do them. Where I have to go isn't on the bus line either and I just can't afford a cab there. Same with my blood work...I am supposed to go get blood work done every six weeks to make sure my heart meds aren't killing my liver and my kidneys. But I have no way to get to the lab to get them done, so I just don't. And I get all itchy and my eyes turn yellow and my urine turns brown and I hope I don't die. Because I don't have a car. Or, well, I do have a car, just not one that runs. I want to blame it all on myself, but the truth is, I'm not here alone and it's NOT all my fault. I can't be the only responsible person here, but somehow I am. I'm not very responsible for the most part and I offer no excuse for that, I'm just not. I'd hoped at this point in my life I would be, but well, I'm just not. I need help with things and I had hoped that being married for this long that my husband would've grown up at some point, but he never did. So I'm just stuck. With a bunch of dogs having puppies all over and a cat having kittens and kids that don't do much and a husband that doesn't either and lab work I can't get done and x-rays I desperately need to do and all these other things I could add into this run on sentence but I'll go ahead and stop here.
I think I'm going to go ahead and stop here for the day because my head is just killing me and there are people yelling. I'm getting almost no help with anything while my head is pounding like this because it's race day and Nascar is really important to my dear husband. Also, I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling a bit better by now if I'd been able to get some help the last few days and rest and recuperate a little. Sometimes these headaches come on because of stress, but most times it's because I've got some pinched nerves in the back of my head because there are no discs left between my vertebrae anymore. We'd know how much worse it's gotten if I was allowed to go get those x-rays sometime soon. And yes, I know they can't actually see the discs on the x-ray, but I can't have an MRI because I have a pacemaker and a ct scan isn't covered by my insurance until after the x-ray to prove I need one. Which I do. Because my spine is seriously fucked up, regardless of the fact that I still get up and do a few things here and there because if I didn't they wouldn't get done. Ever. Yeah, I guess I'm in a pretty foul mood. On that cheery note, I'm gonna go see if I can't get a few minutes of rest before the yelling starts again.
Until next time...
Monday, April 14, 2014
We tried a three day potty training program and it didn't work worth a shit for us, it took more like the 5 day plan but then he finally got it. All it took was for him to get some big boy underwear and he got the idea just that easy. Was really pretty cool! He even stays dry at night and during naps although I'm keeping him in pullups or cloth trainers and a plastic pant just in case.
Now on to the other stuff. I am still feeling pretty shitty. Mentally, I just can't get a grip on what's going on in my life. My "housemates" are worse to live with than anyone else I've ever lived with and I've lived with some real peachy people in my day. I don't even feel like it's a family here. I don't feel like anyone wants me around unless they need me to fill out a form for them or fix something for them or do something for them or or or...
I feel unwelcome. I feel shitty. I feel like no one even wants to talk to me unless it's to complain about someone else. I don't know what to do. So for the most part, I sit in my bedroom and I don't leave it and I cry and I cry and I cry. My "family" doesn't seem to care at all. They don't seem to want to help me, they don't want to make things any better for anyone, let alone me.
I started writing this blog and then put it down for a while. While it was closed there was a blow up with my "family" yet again. This is not a happy family. I asked for some peace and quiet to meditate, to try to calm my soul and my nerves and it evolved into a screaming match that ended with my daughter no longer being my friend on facebook and threatening me with calling every authority available to try to convince them I am an unfit mother. That is my biggest fear. It goes beyond the normal every mother has this fear. I have had children's services called on me many times. A couple of them by my own mother. Once was just days after having a miscarriage. Boy is that fun to have a social worker screaming at you that you will lose your remaining children as "God saw fit not to give you another baby". Yes, that's really what the woman told me. While I had the blood of a miscarriage running down my leg because she wouldn't allow me to go to the restroom.
These things traumatize me. Everything does I guess. I'm broken, I'm wounded. I have social anxiety and I'm afraid of people. I just want people to like me, that is all I want in the world and I feel like a total failure because NO ONE DOES. I'm sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face and I don't feel like there is anyone on the whole planet that understands. Or that even wants to. My name is trouble, and no one wants to deal with me I guess. Yes, this is the blog of a troubled woman. This is the blog of someone mentally flawed. Physically disabled. Perhaps even an admitted bitch. I have a lot of things going through my head all at once all the time and I don't know how to deal with anything. I guess I'm kind of rambling on now, so I'm going to leave you for today in the hopes that I can get my shit together and be "normal" soon. Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe I won't.
Until next time...
Saturday, April 5, 2014
WHAT?!? I know, that sounds so gross right? Yeah, well, it is. There are a few things along the way that i hadn't told the world about. Mainly, because I was embarrassed by them. And partly, because I already blast so much weird shit all over the internet that sometimes I think people probably think I make half of if up or exaggerate it anyway so if I add to it, people will think I've got an even more broad imagination. (How's THAT for a run on sentence?) Ok, so...there is even more to my weirdness that most of you don't know. A few of you real lifers know, but well, you know all this shit's for real anyway too, so you know I'm not JUST crazy. Even though I'm that too.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
It's been one after another after another and although I'm not the only one that's been ill, I've caught every single bug that's come my way. So the whole house has been sick, but get this, I'm the only one that can't take cold medicine. Because I've got the bum ticker and all.
I have this thing about people that are sick complaining when they won't take something to feel better. If you won't take anything to help yourself, don't come crying to me that you don't feel well. But I live in a house full of complainers that won't take a damn dayquil and stfu about it. So yeah, that's been my last month or 6 weeks or so.
This last round, no one else "caught" so I'm relatively sure it was not viral but yet another issue that is only mine. Intestinal. Couldn't keep anything down or in or whatever. Spent about two weeks in my bathroom. Blessedly, I was able to get some medical marijuana (of course insurance does not cover this particular medication, so although it is legal for me to obtain, have and consume, I pay out of pocket and it is rather expensive and something I can almost never afford) that helped me get some appetite back and keep some food down to the extent that I could manage the illness. It seems to have been a horrible inflammatory bowel disease flair. I am feeling much better than I was, but not good. And just in time for...you guessed it...my pilonidal to flair itself back up, and my legs are not working right again. If it ain't one thing it's another right?
So I WILL get back to my mamatography posts, I will get back to my regular posting, and I will get back to my normal routine. Even if it wasn't ever very normal. But not this week. And not next week either because I may be in the hospital for an overnighter next Friday for a pulmonary function test. Because they have to shoot me full of albuterol for that, and albuterol makes my heart freak the fuck out, they have a room set up in case I can't handle the test and they have to keep me, but the hope is I do fine and can go back home when I'm done.
That's where I'm at right now, that's what's been going on with me. I'd love to know what's been going on with all of you, so if you stop by, leave me a comment and let me know how you've been and what you've been up to with your family! Look forward to a "catchup" post or 5 in the next couple weeks and we'll see what I can do for my other posts.
Until next time....
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Yeah, I'm REALLY late this week! I'm also combining the two weeks to play catch up because I'm behind the other people doing this project and I would like to be on the same week as everyone else. I'm not gonna lie, this last 10 days or so, my world has been more than a little stressful and if you are a regular reader, you know what I'm talking about.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I'm having a bad week. Just an altogether fuck shit stack of craziness that I can't seem to work my head through. I don't know that I'm any better today than I was when I wrote the last blog. I'm embarrassed that I blasted all that all over, but I feel better having gotten it out. I also feel like maybe I'm not the only wife with a husband like that, so maybe there's one person out there that read it and feels a little less alone because of it.
In the saga that is my mother, we've been battling a housewide virus for over a month. All of us have had it. The little boys have had it the worst and the longest, Maxwell spent over a month coughing and in and out of the doctor's office. Ronnie finally got it and it kicked his ass pretty bad. 100 degree fever and coughing so hard it was making him see stars. I couldn't get him to go to the doctor to save his life so he just took dollar store dayquil and powered through and still is. My mom on the other hand went to the ER (I think) 5 times via ambulance 4 of those times she was not admitted and the last time, she called without our knowledge at 4 something in the morning without waking anyone else in the house up. Keep in mind my 20 year old daughter is in the bedroom next to hers. She had the presence of mind to pack herself a bag, hide her "good drugs" (because she's convinced I steal them) and tell the medics to be semi quiet so as not to wake the sleeping children upstairs. We know this now because we have since talked to the EMT. They also discovered the level of morphine in her system was more than triple what it should be at her prescribed dose. That last 911 call, she told them she had no one to help her, she put my whole family at risk, yet again, because she needed to take a vacation in the hospital. When she got there that time, they did finally admit her, from what I understand, because they just didn't want her to keep coming in by ambulance every day or every other day until they did. While she was there, her primary care doctor told her that hospitals are not hotels, and that there are people that are truly sick that need to be there. But yet they kept her there for a week to monitor her meds because they could clearly see that she had overtaken her morphine. She comes home to what should have been 2 weeks worth of meds and has none. Who does she blame? Me. Because ya know I must have stolen them all from her. So that I could what? Take them myself? Sell them? WTF? I get the same fucking drugs and if I DO overtake mine (and I admit, there are months that I do and I run out for a few days before refill time) I just suck it up and get the shits until refill day. BUT I DON'T STEAL HER PILLS. Hell, most of my drugs are better than hers anyway. Not the point, but damn. So now she's home, convinced I'm the reason she's out of her meds, because whatever she didn't take she can't find...and you know what, that serves her right.
While she was in there, I had a doctor's appointment of my own. I had my pain management appointment and several things about that scared me. That makes two doctors now that have told me that this staph infection running rampant will probably just kill me dead if I don't deal with it sooner rather than later. I can't afford to live without my device, but beyond that, from what this doctor can tell, the cyst is wrapping around my spine bad enough that it's affecting my ability to walk now too. Some days I'm fine, some days my legs buckle mid step and I look like I'm walking drunk. My god I wish I could get drunk....But anyway, beyond just the pain factor, which there is a really lot of mind boggling head spinning, make you want to rip your ears off just to distract yourself from the burning hot iron of ache running from your tailbone to the top of your head while your whole spine throbs. And did I mention while it's doing that every little bone spur (all 17 of them in various places on various vertebrae pressing on various nerves of their own) ping off little spikes of pain in various directions and to various limbs? I promise, there really IS A REASON they put me on pain pills for the rest of my life. When we talked about surgical removal of any of those spurs the orthopedic surgeon looked from me to my husband and said "my insurance isn't that good, I wouldn't operate on you with someone else's hands". And that was the end of trying to find a surgical solution to by back pain. Anyway, beyond that, there's this infection in there. Sepsis in a body like mine is fatal. It's not something any doctor is delusional enough to think I'll recover from...I may LOOK pretty healthy on the outside, but I'm one fucked up body once you peel off the skin.
Moving on, how this is affecting me I cannot fully explain. I want nothing more than to be a functional human being. To get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee and go sit in my living room and watch the world go by while I putter around the house and do what I can do. But I can't. When she's here, she makes messes I can't contend with, she feeds all our food to the animals, she does whatever she can to alienate us all and then treats us like we are demons for wanting some independence of our own. Before we moved here, we weren't doing great per se, but we did ok. We had our car to go places, we had happiness. I can't find my happy. I don't know how. And I feel so lost and so sad that I can't be happy for my children while all of this is going on. I need help and I know that. I need counseling, maybe to have my psych meds upped a bit.
I'm hoping maybe some of my readers out there will have some encouraging words for me because if now is ever the time to start commenting, I REALLY NEED IT. On that note, I'm gonna go clean up a pile of puppy shit and help phiz go to the bathroom, maybe in that order or maybe not.
Until next time...