First, I'm a beggar, and I'm going to ask everyone two things. First, please go like the Facebook page for my blog here, chances are good you haven't because I've only got 25 likes on there so far. You can find that here: Facebook Page. Also, what would everyone think if I did one of those indiegogo or kickstarter or another one of those donation deals to help me get a car or the one I already have fixed? Obviously, I wouldn't EXPECT people to donate, because lets face it, most people have hard financial times, but I NEED A CAR REALLY BAD and I'm running out of time and options. My health is declining and my children and I could really use transportation for me to get to doctors appointments and Memphis needs his teeth fixed before it affects his permanent teeth and I can't accomplish this without transportation. So comment, email, whatever. I might just set one up and see if anyone is willing to help me out because, frankly, I don't know how else I'm ever going to get my car fixed or get a new one.
Ok, so the title. I'm going to explain that right off the bat (or cat, haha, I'm so punny). As my constant readers know, we have a lot of pets. Too many. I know this, but I have a serious lack of transportation and I can never manage to get a reliable ride to go places and I'm just not comfortable asking someone I don't know all that well to cart me and my animals all over the valley to get my shit done. So I guess until I get my own vehicle I'm gonna have to be a little more careful about keeping the underwear on the female animals.
So my mom's cat had a litter of kittens. She's a weird cat, she's Jynx's sister. I thought this cat was a boy for a couple months because I didn't really check out the tidbits and that's what the person we'd gotten them from told me. We discovered that she was indeed a she and she went from being not so nice to being much nicer, so I think she was upset we were calling her a boy. Yes, I know that's not likely to have been the case, but let me have my little fantasies, will ya? So she's a she and she went in heat and wouldn't you know it, my mom's OTHER cat who is not fixed wither (of course) got her pregnant. I don't even know when she got pregnant, but doing the math it had to have been around St Patrick's day. She had the babies under the foot of my mom's bed and my mom said she didn't even know the cat had had them. I think she was full of shit, but who am I to say. When she showed up one morning skinny, I figured it out pretty damn fast and I'm on drugs and not all there, and my mom says she had "no idea"? Okay...yeah. Moving on, once my mom discovered where they were, she wouldn't leave them alone. At all. So the cat tried at first to move them upstairs with us, but my mom caught her and wouldn't let her, so she moved them somewhere else in her room. She swears up and down she has no idea where they are and says she thinks they're dead in there. We can't find them. My husband has looked, my sons have looked, my daughter has looked, even I took a flashlight and looked. In the mounds and mounds of clothes and CRAP my mom has shoved in her room, we can't find them anywhere in there. I'm almost 100% sure they're not dead because the cat has obvious evidence of feeding them, and disappears for hours on end, but no one can seem to find the missing kittens. They'll be old enough to be running around the house in another week or two so my mom won't be able to hide them any more after that. And I think Jynx might be pregnant now too. Yay me.
Now I'm going to move on to the bitchfest section of my blog. I always have one right? Because I have no real life people to talk to that are local that I can bitch to all the time and I need to get it out somewhere, this is where I turn. Evidently I amuse a few folks with my ramblings because some of you keep coming back to read my tails of woe, so thank you for that. And thank you for allowing me to HAVE somewhere to go to get the shit out!
Here at Casa De Crazy, there is a food issue. We consistently run out of it. I'm feeding a zillion fucking people here it feels like. I had to "borrow" money again this month to feed people because there is a little food goblin that makes things mysteriously disappear ALL THE TIME. It's like the toilet paper. I think she may eat that too. It doesn't matter what we buy, it's gone so fast I can't keep up. We had to get a mini fridge a while back (thanks to the same person that keeps feeding me, he keeps filling the fridge up too!) to keep some of the perishables upstairs because we just can't leave them downstairs for my mom to have access to. If we leave anything dairy downstairs, she feeds it to the cats. My beloved Spazzy cat died due to this. She was more lactose intolerant than most cats, and believe me when I say most cats ARE lactose intolerant, and my mother refused to stop giving her milk and half &half and cream. It killed her. I'm really glad I already had Jynx and that Jynx doesn't like my mom all that much or losing my Spazzy would've broken my heart a little more than it did. Anyway, it's pretty much anything though. We can't keep the little boys lunchables down there, or they disappear, she can eat a whole jar of peanut butter in a couple days. She's eaten almost an entire 10 pound bag of potatoes in less than a week. No she isn't as big as a house, but there's a reason for this. She has a stoma. A colostomy bag. So she has an incomplete digestive tract. She eats so much and so often, nothing digests and to put it unpleasantly, it all just gets moved through whole without her absorbing any of the calories or shall I say many of the calories. But she does steadily gain weight until she does stupid shit like take all her meds really fast and go into withdrawal and get sick for a week and not eat and then she'll drop a chunk of weight and it'll start the cycle again. I love my mom, but she is driving my family apart. My marriage has gotten a million times worse. My kids constantly fight with not only each other, but with me. And I am everyone's "safe zone". I'm the one they come to when they are angry and need someone to yell at. So if anyone needs to vent, they come and pick a fight with me, knowing that I'm not going to retaliate and hold a grudge.
I'm wound up so tight it's scary. I can feel myself coming apart at the seams and I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it at all. To go along with that, I just have no idea what to do about the money situation or the car situation or the house situation or pretty much any situation at all. I'm tired of people that don't consider how their actions make other people feel. I'm tired of living in a world where people flaunt what they have and make fun of people who don't have as much. I'm tired of family that says they'll help you and then every time you ask them to they more often then not don't. I'm tired of being treated like I'm stupid because I'm broke. I'm tired of people that have a little more than I do not remembering the days that I was the one with a little more and how much I helped them when they needed it. I'm tired of not being able to fucking GO ANYWHERE AT ALL without having to beg someone to take me there, and then most of the time they cancel on me. I'm tired. I'm sick. And I feel like no one cares. I have one friend. And that one friend is so far away from me that it's like being on another planet sometimes. And I feel like the friendship is far from equal because I'm constantly needing something. Needing money to feed my kids, needing to vent about something, needing him to pay a bill for me so a utility doesn't get shut off, needing SOMETHING and I take and I take and I take, and I don't have anything to give. You know why? Because in my day to day life, everyone around me takes and takes and takes from me and doesn't give me anything back. Or what little they do give back doesn't begin to fill the void they've left in me from all the taking. I guess that's a great way to explain it, I am one big void. I'm like a black hole. Anything anyone gives into me and my family won't come back because it gets sucked into oblivion. It's the most awful kind of void. And it is my life. I don't know how to crawl out of this void or creep out of this black hole. So the black hole has become my black whole. I has become who I am, but I hope it's not who I will always be.
Until next time...