Saturday, July 28, 2012

Losing...

Well, I find myself in another difficult place.  Kinda reminds me of an old "Friends" episode where Chandler puts one hand up on either side of his head and says "Rock, hard place, ME!".  My cousin, who I'm not at all close to, is going off to college in a month.  My uncle and he decided to take one last camping trip before Danny left and I've come to another moment in my life where I just don't know what the fuck to feel.

They were on their way up north to a favorite campsite when there was a tire blowout.  They went down a 500 foot ravine.  My cousin has what the paper described as "minor to moderate injuries" that in reality are more like severe including broken vertebrae and a head laceration that required them to cut off the dreadlocks he'd been growing for years.  My uncle was not as lucky, if you can even call it that.  He died on the way to the hospital or shortly after he arrived from what I understand.

So far in 2012, I've buried my step father, my maternal grandmother and now, my uncle.  My mom's side of my family is very small and now we are the only ones left.  I guess I should say WAS small because now it's virtually non existent.  I'm lost again.  I look at my brood of children and I'm reminded that the reason I felt so strongly about having so many was so they'd never be alone.

When I lost my brother a little part of me died that day too.  He was my only sibling, and we were very close growing up.  I never want my kids to feel as alone as I do.  Now I am comforting my mother through that same pain.  How much loss can one family bear?  How do I get over yet another loss?  

I've completely buried myself in sewing projects and crafts and that is seeming to help a tiny bit but not much.  I just don't know.

Until next time...
J

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's getting hot in here...

OMG it's summer.  For those of you who do not live in my area, you may not understand the depth of that statement.  Last week it was up in the 100's and fortunately it's a little cooler this week, but I got my electric bill.  I am sorely reminded that this house is bigger and older than I am used to.  Frankly, it needs new windows because we are air conditioning the outside too! 

I seem to have a newly developed issue with heat and can identify a variation of less than a degree.  I'm exaggerating, but really, I feel almost menopausal.  If I wasn't lactating I'd wonder if I was indeed in menopause.  Anyway, it's fucking hot here.  My mom runs the A/C all the time but it's still hot upstairs.  Project o'the day is to put a window A/C unit in my room.  I hope R doesn't fuck it up too bad.

In the meantime I am sweating balls and blogging to keep from hovering.  I thought I'd share a pic of Memphis' birthday cake and all it's glory.  He's such a funny little thing.  He loved his cake so much but he wore more than he ate.  It's probably a good thing, the little shit gets all hyped up on sugar.  So, here is that.  At some point I'm going to edit the video and post that as well, it's us singing happy birthday to him though so I don't want to breech any copyright issues lol.


Well I'm off for today to go deal with the whole A/C thing and stuff.  Until next time...
J

Friday, July 6, 2012

A year ago today...

I was sitting on a surgical bed being sewn back together after my youngest son was brutally ripped from my womb and my fertility was forever destroyed.  I know that sounds very dramatic, but in truth that's exactly how I feel.  See, even though I've suffered through severe morning sickness, PSD (some painful pregnancy related shit that makes your pelvis feel like it's shattered), and loss, I love being pregnant.  I don't know why really, I just do.  For some reason today I feel almost as if I'm mourning my fertility still.

A year ago right now, all I cared about was that he was breathing on his own, the ramifications of the tubal ligation were beyond my thoughts at the time and now they are a prominent feature of my being.  I feel almost less of a woman because I can no longer reproduce.  I had no business having Memphis anyway, but I would have another if I could still get pregnant.  I suppose it's a great thing I can't.  If I was healthy I'd have 10 kids. 

At this sentimental (emphasis on MENTAL) time I am overjoyed and sad all at the same time.  His party is tomorrow and I'm sure after the reality of it sinks all the way in and I take him for his one year shots and all it will affect me differently.  For now, I'll just share a video I made shortly after he was born.

Until next time...
J