Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm having one of those days...

Yeah, I know I have them a lot.  I had this whole post started like a week ago about my beautiful daughter, but I can't seem to get it right.  I just am not doing her or our story any justice so I have that on hold and have just decided to start anew today. 

I'm desperately trying to put my shit together and it's just not working.  I'm very much missing my friend, who I don't believe I've mentioned here before.  He's a wonderful man I met on the internet.  Odd, I know, you generally don't meet normal people online, but this guy is a gem.  I don't get to talk to him nearly as often as I'd like to and he's about the only voice of reason in my insane world because he's objective.  He doesn't know my family from anyone, but is always able to give me good advice, even when it's to kick me in the ass and tell me that I need to get over myself. 

I'm also missing my sister in law who is not my sister in law.  Strange story I guess there, lol.  She was married to my brother before he died, but her mother is also married to one of my husband's older brothers so we'd have been family anyway.  Through some stroke of luck, she's put up with my shit for 20 years and still talks to me!  I dunno what I did to get that lucky, but whatever it was I'm glad.  She was going to come over today, but her little girl is sick so rather than risk spreading a stomach bug here, we had to skip it.

My mother is driving me fucking crazy though.  I need these people to remind me that I can do this.  I can handle this.  I am strong, and I am strong enough to deal with everything.  I love my mom, but damn it, she's hard to live with sometimes.  I know I am too, but it's my blog, so I get to be the one to complain :) It's home here, it is, and I know that.  The rational part of my brain understands that I need to be present and make this place good for my children, but the irrational part of me is still so fucked up I don't know how to do that.  I spend so much time beating myself up over that, it's ridiculous.  And that is why I'm crazy!!

Moving on, we made some "calm down" bottles for the little ones, a big one for Max and a small one for Memphis.  Max is not doing very well using his and I didn't take any pics of them, but they are all over pinterest so I'm ok not documenting that.  I also applied to do some product testing for a thing called "Mom's Meet" and was accepted.  I'm waiting for my first few items to get here so I can review them...now the trick is to find 5 moms in my area to meet up with to do that.  I have a couple of ladies I think will join but I'm not sure about 5.  I thought it would force me to be social though so maybe this is a good thing.  That and it's all "green" products and that's always been something I've enjoyed.

I'm missing Pagan Pride day in my area because my wonderful hubby and oldest son are out having a yard sale today to try to make a little extra cash and while looking through the garage, found a crate of *get this* Playboy collector cards!!  They are actually pretty cool and I found a guy online that's willing to help me price them so we can try to make a little cash off that also.  Everything in my world always revolves around money!  I read an article many years ago about how married people only fight about three things, money, sex and family.  I agree whole heartedly.  That's all R and I ever fight about.  We never have enough money or sex and have too many damn kids, which is why we never have enough money or sex LOL.

I really want to get a Monroe piercing so even though I'm broke, I still think if the other adults here can find money for the stupid shit they buy I can do something for myself too, plus I think they look cool and I miss my eyebrow ring.  And, with that, my little phizzy man has woken up from his nap and is in a rather clingy mood so I can't type anymore.



Until next time...
J


Monday, October 1, 2012

Another day, a little more loserish...

Yeah, so I feel like a fucking loser again today.  I don't want to leave my room.  The best description I have is that I want to go home and I have no home to go to.  This doesn't feel like home.  It just feels like somewhere I'm staying.  I don't want to cook in that tiny little kitchen with my grandmother's things that I might god for fucking bid ruin or break.  Glass things break here all the time.  Skeptics be warned, you can believe me or not, I don't give a shit, but this house is haunted.  Or I am, I don't know which (or should it be witch, lol?). 

These dark feelings creep up on me so quickly it's scary sometimes.  I think they need to up my meds.  In all seriousness though, this whole not feeling at home here thing really sucks.  I want to be able to feel like I'm home here.  I used to feel that way.  I pretty much grew up in this house, so it's almost painful to me that I feel so unwelcome here.  I'm not even 100% sure which ghost is here.  Is it my brother?  My step dad?  My grandpa?  My grandma?  My uncle?  I don't know.  I'm almost afraid to ask them because I'm not sure I can handle knowing if it's not one of them.  Please remember I take a shit (sorry for being so graphic but this is my way of dealing with it) on the very same toilet my step dad pulled an elvis on, and my daughter sleeps in the room my grandmother died in, so maybe it's just the creep factor, but the "happenings" are far from just the creeps but that's a whole other blog.

Onward I move, I don't know how to make this home, I don't know why I can't seem to feel like it is.  I guess I just don't know much of anything.  I miss my house.  I miss my huge kitchen and my fucked up giant pantry that food actually stayed in.  I miss being the one in charge and knowing what bills were due and when so I didn't wake up to surprises like today.  My dear madre forgot to pay the cable bill so our lovely bundle got shut off until they could go up and pay it.  Wasn't a matter of not having the money even, just didn't pay the damn thing.  I had no fucking clue because I'm not allowed to see half the damn mail.  Plus, I am literally starving to death.  Now in all honesty, I had some pounds to lose, but now I kinda don't, especially breastfeeding a toddler.  Since we moved in here, between my health issues and the fact that someone eats every goddamned thing here, I've lost damn near 50 pounds.  Again, I had it to lose, but damn man...I don't have any pants.  Not one single pair of "go outside" pants that stay up.  I can't afford to buy any clothes even so I guess I should feel lucky I live somewhere warm I can wear dresses all winter since I have no pants.

Ok, I'm done sulking and feeling sorry for myself, but in closing, I'll share a shitty picture of myself from the series my 16 year old son and I took that all had orbs in them.  Every single shot for 20 frames had orbs in different places, so enjoy...plus, you can see my new(ish) haircolor. 















Until next time...
J