Monday, October 1, 2012

Another day, a little more loserish...

Yeah, so I feel like a fucking loser again today.  I don't want to leave my room.  The best description I have is that I want to go home and I have no home to go to.  This doesn't feel like home.  It just feels like somewhere I'm staying.  I don't want to cook in that tiny little kitchen with my grandmother's things that I might god for fucking bid ruin or break.  Glass things break here all the time.  Skeptics be warned, you can believe me or not, I don't give a shit, but this house is haunted.  Or I am, I don't know which (or should it be witch, lol?). 

These dark feelings creep up on me so quickly it's scary sometimes.  I think they need to up my meds.  In all seriousness though, this whole not feeling at home here thing really sucks.  I want to be able to feel like I'm home here.  I used to feel that way.  I pretty much grew up in this house, so it's almost painful to me that I feel so unwelcome here.  I'm not even 100% sure which ghost is here.  Is it my brother?  My step dad?  My grandpa?  My grandma?  My uncle?  I don't know.  I'm almost afraid to ask them because I'm not sure I can handle knowing if it's not one of them.  Please remember I take a shit (sorry for being so graphic but this is my way of dealing with it) on the very same toilet my step dad pulled an elvis on, and my daughter sleeps in the room my grandmother died in, so maybe it's just the creep factor, but the "happenings" are far from just the creeps but that's a whole other blog.

Onward I move, I don't know how to make this home, I don't know why I can't seem to feel like it is.  I guess I just don't know much of anything.  I miss my house.  I miss my huge kitchen and my fucked up giant pantry that food actually stayed in.  I miss being the one in charge and knowing what bills were due and when so I didn't wake up to surprises like today.  My dear madre forgot to pay the cable bill so our lovely bundle got shut off until they could go up and pay it.  Wasn't a matter of not having the money even, just didn't pay the damn thing.  I had no fucking clue because I'm not allowed to see half the damn mail.  Plus, I am literally starving to death.  Now in all honesty, I had some pounds to lose, but now I kinda don't, especially breastfeeding a toddler.  Since we moved in here, between my health issues and the fact that someone eats every goddamned thing here, I've lost damn near 50 pounds.  Again, I had it to lose, but damn man...I don't have any pants.  Not one single pair of "go outside" pants that stay up.  I can't afford to buy any clothes even so I guess I should feel lucky I live somewhere warm I can wear dresses all winter since I have no pants.

Ok, I'm done sulking and feeling sorry for myself, but in closing, I'll share a shitty picture of myself from the series my 16 year old son and I took that all had orbs in them.  Every single shot for 20 frames had orbs in different places, so, you can see my new(ish) haircolor. 

Until next time...

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