Sunday, January 26, 2014

Mamatography 2014, Week Three...

We are taking (at least) a photo a day, a collage or a picture each week to keep a record of our year. Join us at any point during the year and start sharing your own daily photos!
Click Get the code here below to add the blog hop to your blog and join the fun. (Also sign up to be added to a comment group!)

It's that time of week again folks! Yep, you guessed it, my week in pictures. I went ahead and left out any doctor visit pics because, well, I didn't take any when I was there and decided instead to use a pic from at home that day! So let's get this party started :)

Tattoo twins! last year I was lucky enough to be chosen to host a House Party for Adventuretime with Fiona and Cake and one of the party favors was temporary tattoos.  They've been sitting in a box this whole time (the extras anyway) and Maxwell and Memphis decided it was time to put some on!

Jynx is my cat.  She is my favorite in the house and we have her sister as well.  I'm a crazy person and I have too many pets, among them being this sweet little girl that keeps me company when I'm not feeling well and she has a weird habit of "nursing" on my finger while kneading on my hand.  I thought it was really cute when she was tiny, and it's still cute now, but it's kind of painful when she uses her claws!

Again, I'm crazy and have TOO MANY pet! Lol, anyone that knows me in real life knows I love them all so much and they are all pretty good animals, but I know I should pare down a little.  I just can't bear to part with any of them.  Speaking of Bear though...these are two of her kids and their dad.  From left to right, Rocco the dad, Doc and Maggie.

Things I got in the mail. The batman bag I got on eBay for a only a few bucks and it's awesome! And the calendar was completely free. Y'all know how much I like free things!

I'm trying to figure out if Memphis is really left handed or if he's ambidextrous because he is so young still.  He uses his left hand to write and draw more often than not, and I think that's pretty cool if it sticks.  My brother was left handed and I miss him so damn much it's painful, and this is like having a daily reminder of him.  Of course it will be fine with me too if we discover that he is right handed also!

Pants on his head. It's the way we rock sometimes!

And as always, my weekly gratuitous breastfeeding pic! Maybe I won't post one every week, but for now, I feel like it really is such a part of ME that I will, and also because it's such a taboo thing to see with a child his age I feel some importance in making it public so that maybe other mothers won't feel like they need to hide it.

So that's my week in pictures folks.  Of course I'm trying to get more posts written every week, I've got a lot to say, but I sometimes have a hard time typing it all out because I have small hands helping. I do think I might try using my voice recognition soon though.  I'm going to share one last pic just because it's silly and funny and I don't know why else,  but Siri said this...

Love you all for reading 💜
Until next time...

Saturday, January 25, 2014

A Literal Pain In My Butt...

Yep, you guessed it, I'm gonna talk about my ass again.  I wish it was back in the days when talking about my ass meant that it was a thousand men at once drooling over my bottom and telling me how great I looked.  Looked, past tense.  I don't think any of me looks that great any more.  For those of you not in the know, for a good long while I was an adult entertainer.  Of the webcam variety.  Like a stripper, but on a webcam and with "extras".  I'm sure a lot of you wouldn't be proud of that.  I'm sure a lot of you will actually think less of me now for even knowing it, but you know what?  I enjoyed the job.  It  was from home, in the comfort of my own bedroom, I made my own hours and I made some damn good money doing it.  My husband thought it was awesome because I was the kind of woman men paid to look at from afar.  I was the kind of woman even other women paid to view.  I was ranked pretty high on the paid sites I worked on and even higher on the site I chatted on for fun (because I used the free site as a promotional tool as well as just using the chatroom as a non camming person to waste time).  Why am I telling you all this?  Why am I baring my soul that I've bared literally everything else of me?  For several reasons, but the biggest one is because I was famous for my ass.  My nice plump, even when my waist was small, round and firm bottom.  I won't put the pictures of my butt on here, but I will share a couple of the "cleaner" pics from then...
Believe it or not, this is me.

It's all changed.  When I got sick with my heart, I quit working for a while.  I got better, and I went back.  In part because I needed the money, but I also just needed the job.  It filled some need for attention that I've always had and it gave me some self esteem that I've always lacked.  I've come to realize that the depression and anxiety have quadrupled at least since I stopped working.  At least quadrupled, but probably multiplied more like times a hundred.  Sad, I know, that getting paid to bare myself for an anonymous stranger was so important to me when so many would be ashamed of it.  I never really was.  I didn't tell some of my family members because I didn't think THEY would handle it all that well or understand in the least and to be honest, most of them don't.  The ones that do understand have surprised me.

When I get this surgery on my ass, I don't know what will happen.  I don't know what the scars will look like or how much they'll be noticed.  I don't know if I'll ever even be able to work again.  I certainly don't feel very sexy anymore any of the time.  How could I?  I don't have anyone to tell me that it will all be ok and that this is no big deal because it is, and because I have no support system at home.  In fact, my homelife is absolutely awful most days and my husband is the least supportive person in this respect.  You'd think it was a pimple on my ass.  I went to the doctor yesterday.  The cardiologist to be exact, but while I was there, she called not only the ob/gyn that delivered Memphis, who promptly told the doctor what to look for and how to tell the difference between mastitis and an abscess in the breast, but she also called the actual HEAD of internal medicine for White Memorial Medical Center and Hospital in Los Angeles California.  That's kind of a big deal.  The reason she was calling all around to check with other doctors is because this bacteria is running rampant in my body.  If the infection gets into the pocket of tissue my pacemaker is in it could be fatal.  That's not an exaggeration as much as everyone I live with would have you believe.  Again, sadly, I have no support at home.  The infection is probably, in part, because I'm so stressed out I can't handle things at all so my body is susceptible to everything and since I already had the pilonidal thing flaring up about once a month or so, the breast abscess just took hold.  They wanted to admit me for IV antibiotics.  I was there with my husband and Memphis and we had taken Care1st transportation to get there.  No me=no way home for my hubby and the kid, so I cried at her until she conceded to give me a high dose oral antibiotic and order some STAT tests to be done which means my HMO will push them through in a few days instead of a few weeks.  In the mean time, I'm dealing with my mom and her Munchhausen syndrome (not confirmed but I'm not kidding here, I know I've mentioned this before but it's getting out of hand now).

The surgery on the butt is going to relocate my anal cleft from what I understand.  It will also be left open to heal from the inside out so I'll be down for a few weeks to a few months depending on what they find when they get in there.  I have a pacemaker, which means I can not have an MRI done at all, and they have no way of knowing until they cut me open how far the sinuses run or how many there are.  Here again is some info on pilonidal cyst.  My brother had one he had surgery on twice.  I was around for the first surgery when he was 18 and the part that sticks out the most in my memory was the packing of the wound.  And how obviously painful that was for him, but beyond that, how much it grossed out the nurse that came to do it, and my grandma when the nurse couldn't come.  I don't want to be gross.  I want to be pretty and sexy and I don't want to make people feel icked out.  I don't want to have this happening to me.  I just want to go back to how things USED TO BE.

I know that's never going to happen.  I know I'm going I'm aging, and this is the year I turn 40 and honestly, I'm ok with my age as long as I'm not a gross 40.  But I am.  My body has gotten gross and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.  I don't want to go have my ass cut open, but while we're on the subject of gross, the only GOOD thing about this whole situation is my cyst doesn't smell like I've heard and read they almost always do...So that's my story for today and I'm going to do my Mamatography tomorrow, make sure you come back for that and check out last weeks post here and the week before's here.

Until next time...

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Mamatography 2014, Week two...

Ok, I lied, the posts are going to come every Sunday.  I really did mean to do it yesterday, but Maxwell had his little birthday party yesterday and I just plain don't feel well.  You can read my middle of the night post for an explanation on that!

So here goes, my week in pictures :)

Memphis accidentally bit me so I had a bleeding cut on my nipple. I absolutely HATE to pump, but if was kind of forced into it, because it just hurt too damn much to have him nurse from that side for the first day or two. He decided that he needed to pump himself as well, so not only did I catch a little video of it that I might upload to YouTube, I got a few pics too!

This is my oldest son Morgen, we were having our morning coffee, and he's texting his fiancé Angie.  Incidentally, Morgen means morning in German and that's how he got his name. He was going to be Camilla, but he had a penis and I needed a boy name in a hurry and since he was born in the morning, well, he's Morgen.  With an E (he always has to tell people that).

The next morning, our big dog Bear, who weighs about 85 pounds decided to join us for coffee time.  She also decided that she would be joining us on Morgen's lap.  She is NOT lap dog sized!

I went up another size in my bottom earlobe piercing, so that is now a 14 gauge, the same size as my navel ring.  It feels kind of heavy, but I love the way they look and I think it makes it look less strange than when I had facial piercings and wasn't wearing any earrings.

I got my really awesome free brag book from photo. I had a code that even made the shipping free, so I've got another brag book to show off my kids when I go out (which is almost never lol). I plan on taking it to my Dr Preciado appointment on Thursday though, so at least I'll get to actually show it off somewhere instead do just looking at it myself!

Here comes the horrible part of my week. On Maxwell's birthday of all days, before school even started, he was on the playground and was attacked by a bully.  There were duty aids standing right there, but they were texting or playing whatever they were playing on their phones and they were not doing their jobs.  This is the second time this kid has attacked my son, but the first time he had a friend there with him that stopped the bully before anything physical happened. This time he was alone and not as lucky.  He is not a small kid, but has been taught not to fight so because there were adults nearby he called out for help.  It took too long for the "adults" to come to his aid and physical damage was done.  We brought him home from school and waited all day for the principal to call us and let us know that the bully had been dealt with, only to be told that she would not release any information about the child's punishment, because it was a "violation of the child's privacy and not of our concern".  I feel that it is very much my concern since he attacked my child and I think I have every right to know how or even if the child was punished. This happened on Friday and it's a three day weekend so he goes back to school on Tuesday.  I have no idea how to handle this. Here is some of the damage (there is two pictures for this day)

On a much lighter note, Maxwell's birthday party was the next day and although attendance was very low (mainly because his cousins were sick and couldn't come) he had a great time. Here's the spread for that.

And last, but certainly not least, I have a gratuitous breastfeeding pic for you, since it's still such a huge part of my life and I spend SO MUCH time just like this...

So that was my week, I hope you all had a great week and that I see you back next week for week three!  Or any other time I post for that matter, because I really love this whole blogging gig and being able to share a little bit of my life with the world!
Until next time...

We are taking (at least) a photo a day, a collage or a picture each week to keep a record of our year. Join us at any point during the year and start sharing your own daily photos!
Click Get the code here below to add the blog hop to your blog and join the fun. (Also sign up to be added to a comment group!)

Nocturnal emissions...

Get your mind out of the gutter ya perVs...this is NOT what I'm talking about tonight.  Although I'm sure some of my loyal readers know the perVersions of which I speak, tonight I'm off on a tangent.  First, let me put it out there, that there WILL BE a mamatography post later in the day so today is a twofer.  So now that I've gotten that little bit of info off my chest I can move on.

If you know me from facebook, or any of the facebook groups I admin for, you know I've been bitching NON STOP about my ass crack issues. Better known as, my pilonidal cyst.  I think this fucker just might kill me.  Have I mentioned that I have a ridiculous cardiac response to extreme pain?  My blood pressure and heart rate shoot through the roof.  There is nothing I can do about this.  I can't just breathe through it for all the well intentions of the people that tell me I can.  A few deep breaths would be so much easier and cheaper and faster and truthfully probaby work better IF IT WORKED AT ALL for me.   It does't, all it does is deplete the oxygen the rest of me need to live.

As I'm sure you've figured out by now I'm having a hard time right now.  My poor little son got attacked  on the playground on his birthday by a bully.  He's a little scratched up, but he's fine.  His birthday party was today and I just plain did too much by myself.  And sadly, only 2 kids showed up at all.  I'd spent the entire morning baking cupcakes and going up nd down the stairs to check on the movie I was burning that I hurt myself.  No one even wanted to watch the movie either, they just played video games.

BUTT (pun of course) back to the reason for the post in the middle of the night.  I've got to do something abouth this thing.  I take on an average day 3 15mg MS Contin pills (of course prescribed by a doctor) and for those not in the know, that's a pretty good amount of morphine.  Like enough that some people can't even function on it and it deosn't even take the edge off this pain.  It flairs up, drains, goes away for a few weeks to a few months and then it comes back.  My pain management doctor has told me all my options and I know that ultimately it will require surgical removal.  I have problems with that here.  The recovery time from these things is slow.  In case you don't know what this thing is, I'll put a link to the webmd for it at the bottom.

I'll need to be down more than up in a house full of people that literally need me to tell them what soda to buy if any and what to set the oven for for a frozen pizza.  MY HUSBAND DOES NOT WORK OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.  He is always home, so he should know how things run, but I still have to tell him to wipe the boogers off of the baby or chage his diaper before he pees down his leg.  My teenagers do virtually nothing.  My daughter....well, she couldn't do less if she did try.  My son does the bare minimum and he half asses it all so bad I have to re-do it or someone else does.  My husband says he's trying to learn everything but ya know what? he hasn't worked outside the house for more than 2 years now.  He really should get it by know ffs. I think he does and he just waits for me to do it anyway because I always have. 

For the first time in my pilonidal journey I have a fever of a little over 102 and it's been that way for a few days now.  I know it's not the thermometer because I've used several to be sure I was seeing this right.  The cysts drain, in fact this time it's draining from two places and isn't foul smelling or anything (TMI I know, I'm sorry) So I don't know what to do.  Of course my primary care doctor said go to the ER, they aren't equipped to deal with it there if it needs lanced and packed which it sounds like it does.  BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I go back to that cardiac pain tolerance thing though and that scares mme.  Cardioversion is quite unpleasant and could just trigger a chain effect too.  

How, though, in this house where no one knows what to do even when I am here and somewhat capable, supposed to even consider the prospect of sending a few months with my asscrack splayed open and packed with gauze and at the mercy of people that get mad at me for looking at them wrong when I was cooking dinner (that's actually happened, with my "adult" husband) one night?  Seems a little risky in a selfish way.  That's not even beginning to think about the kids and how or if they'll be properly cared for.  My ass hurts, my ambien is kicking in and I'm going to go sulk about it.
Until next time...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Mamatography 2014, Week one...

I wanted to participate in this last year, but I never worked up the I got brave, and here it is for this year.  MAMATOGRAPHY!!!  I will be sharing a picture for each day of this year, sharing just a little bit more than I already do with you readers ;)  I realize I'm a little late, and that this is only 7 pics for 12 days, but I'm very committed to this particular project, so plan on seeing these posts every week!

Memphis has a Cozy Coupe, he has been in it every day of the year so far!

Memphis and I spend an awful lot of time just like this 💜

This is my dog Bear. She's pretty sure she is a lap dog. As you can see, she does not fit well...

Jynx discovered she can sit on top of the room divider, and has been up there more than she should be, by A LOT!

I know this isn't a photo, but this is one of Phizzy's drawings from his favorite app that he's able to draw on.  This app is called drawp and he LOVES it!

Maxwell got a black eye from his brother, they were playing ball in the house when they shouldn't have been...

And I have now put earrings in three of my earlobe holes.  The bottom two have been stretched to a 16gauge (but I'm going to a 14 on the bottoms maybe tomorrow) and the top I just re opened today.

So that is week one, I'm. It 100% sure if I'll do it the same way next week and I'll be doing my weekly posts every Saturday rather than Sunday so keep an eye out for them.
Until next time...

Here are some other really awesome blogs to visit that are also participating in the Mamatography 2014 project...

We are taking (at least) a photo a day, a collage or a picture each week to keep a record of our year. Join us at any point during the year and start sharing your own daily photos!
Click Get the code here below to add the blog hop to your blog and join the fun. (Also sign up to be added to a comment group!)

Friday, January 10, 2014

It's a new year and a not so new me...

Well, I've made it into a brand spanking new year.  It's already well into January and I've been taking a break from all things "social network".  I can't even really explain why except that I haven't felt well, my family has been difficult at best to deal with, Maxwell is having some kind of behavior issues and Memphis is looking at the possibility of a rare form of epilepsy (that's the worst case scenario, but of course, that's where my mind ALWAYS goes when one of my children's health is at stake).  That's not even to mention my own health and a continuing issue with my insurance company not wanting to cover a new oxygen concentrator because mine has mold in the permanent filter and my O2 saturation doesn't go quite low enough to qualify for a new machine.  So needless to say, my mind has been full of some pretty heavy shit.

I've tried to crawl out of it through books, I've tried to crawl out of it through making things, I've even tried to just sleep it out and right now, I still feel  Somehow just blank in places.  I'm having a very difficult time dealing with whatever is going on with Maxwell.  His behavior is just out of control awful.  I'm sure part of it was being home for three weeks for winter break, but to the best of my knowledge, kids his age shouldn't be having melt-down style tantrums over not getting to pour his own glass of milk or who gets to shower first.  There's even been one terrible night where he was having a fit over being asked to wash his hands after sneezing on himself.  It was a truly awful melt-down that night and it reminds me very much of his sister at around that age before we had gotten her diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  I'm worried for him, about him.

As far as Memphis goes, he had his physical.  He's very tall for his age.  We knew that though.  He looks great, his heart sounds good, the murmur he's had since birth seems to have disappeared and although his speech is very good for someone with such a severe tongue and lip tie, he will need to have them cut because the doctor did have a hard time understanding some of his speech that should be clear by his age.  The most concerning part with him is a new (within the last couple weeks) issue.  A lot of times when he goes to sleep, he wakes up an hour or so later and gags and vomits.  When this happens, his eyes are completely glassy, he can't seem to understand that we are talking to him, and he doesn't understand what's happening while he's gagging and retching and vomiting.  It's scary, and if it scares me this much I can only imagine how much this scares him.  Except even scarier to me, he doesn't seem to remember it after it's happened.  He will "come to" kind of, nurse himself back to sleep and sleep for several hours when it happens at night and the few times it's happened at nap time, he's nursed until he's gotten his body calmed back down and then gets up like nothing happened.  It hasn't affected his appetite, his energy level or his moods.  But I am afraid to sleep.  I'm afraid that something will happen and he will choke and die while I'm sleeping next to him.  So most nights, I lay there after the episode is over and read for a while until I fall into a fitful uneasy sleep for a few hours and then do it all again the next day.  The doctor isn't sure what to think.  It could be as simple as he's got some post nasal drip and he's gagging on it and just sleepy while it's happening.  It COULD BE that simple.  Things in my life usually aren't that simple though.  Another thing it could be is a rare form of epilepsy that kids usually do outgrow, that isn't actually any more dangerous than any other kind of epilepsy.  Doesn't do any permanent damage but a seizure that induces vomiting doesn't sound fun.  This disorder is called Panayiotopoulos syndrome.  So for now, the game plan is do some blood work, for us to keep track of what he's eating before bedtime and naptimes (when and if he takes them) and keep an eye on things. I love our pediatrician because even from the get go, he doesn't pull any punches if he suspects something that sounds scary, and I think he highly suspects this is what it is.  We of course have to follow protocol to be able to justify an EEG for a kid that's been treated for GERD his whole life that's throwing up in his sleep.  If something goes horribly wrong, of course, we're supposed to call 911.  That is one of my biggest fears, that something will happen to one of my living children.  I'm sure that's every mother's fear, I'm not so stupid as to believe that somehow, my fears are above other people's or anything, but I can't get a handle on mine like the average person does.  My fears consume me.  In every possible way.

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday of this week.  In true form, the transportation screwed up again.  The first driver showed up on time in a four seater car with two passengers already with him for a trip to an appointment over an hour's drive away.  The problem with this is, I require an attendant to go to doctor's appointments with me because I faint sometimes and it's not the driver's responsibility to pick me up if I fall.  So there was no room in the vehicle for an attendant.  So while I go into the house to call and ask if they want to send another car or what they want to do, the guy takes off.  The lady says they'll send a new driver, but by the time someone got there, it made me very late for my appointment time so what was supposed to be a visit to check my pacemaker, do a pulmonary stress test and see the doctor turned into me not seeing the doctor because she couldn't wait on me.  I MISS MY CAR SO MUCH IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.  NEVER TAKE YOUR CAR/VEHICLE OR THE ABILITY TO PUT A FEW GALLONS OF GAS IN IT TO GO SOMEWHERE FOR GRANTED BECAUSE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE IT FOR A YEAR OR SO AND YOU'RE STUCK RELYING ON YOUR TWO WHOLE RIDES A MONTH AND ONLY FOR DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS YOU WILL REALLY MISS BEING INDEPENDENT.   Or maybe that's just me, I don't know, I've never known anyone else that's gone this long without a car.   I get to use my other ride this month hopefully making it back down there on time to see the doctor instead of going to have my butt looked at because of course my stupid pilonidal cyst is back.  OF COURSE IT IS.

About that doctor's appointment though, I had an A-Fib on my device.  Those are bad.  So now I get an alarm at 10:15 in the morning that sounds like a european ambulance if I've had another one so I know to run my at home monitor to send it off to them.  The miracles of modern science are awesome.  So that's where I'm at with things. 

As for my recent disappearance, all I can say is, I'm ok. As ok as I get, anyway.  I just needed some time where I wasn't spending my whole day putting my kids off to "just finish typing this one post..." and I do hope everyone understands where I've been.  I needed a break to be with my family and my little boys have needed me.  I'm doing the best I can.

Until next time...