Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Big Changes Headed My Way, the Eye of a Storm...

Well folks, I turned forty.  I was terribly unhappy for most of my birthday for mostly selfish reasons.  I never claimed to not know that I'm a selfish person, or to be some martyr that wants everyone else to just be happy for my birthday.  It was a pretty shitty day all around.  My family didn't forget me Sixteen Candles style again this year, and they have indeed done that to me.  For my 37th in fact.  What they did do was spent the day systematically making me feel like total shit in every facet of my being.  Not a damn thing I did or said was quite right and made someone mad.  I didn't get to go out to dinner like I had been promised for months before, I didn't get even one gift from anyone, anywhere with the exception of a spur of the moment drawing my daughter did because she felt bad for me.  I didn't even get to pick what we ate for dinner.  I know what you're probably thinking here.  Suck it the fuck up, you're a grown ass woman and somethings you just don't get any more.  I had wanted something from anyone just to be reminded that I was loved.  That someone had taken the time out of their busy life to do something just for me.  Later that night, my daughter and my oldest son convinced their dad to go get a cake mix and bake me some cupcakes, so at 10:00 at night, got some unfrosted cupcakes to finish off my 40th birthday.  40 was kind of a big deal for me.  This is one I might not have gotten to if I hadn't fought so hard to live and sometimes, when I have days like those, I have a hard time remembering why I fought so damn hard.  But then before we ate the cupcakes, my twenty year old daughter and I went for a walk to the dollar store to pick up a few things.  Cotton balls, baggies, light-bulbs.  And while we're there she says maybe we could pick up a couple cheapy pregnancy tests? I gave her a look mixed with pure joy and utter shock and we picked up two.

While the cupcakes were being baked, and everyone was occupied, I sat in the bathroom with her while our lives changed.  Drastically and for the better.  The line didn't come up right away, she was sure it was negative, but at the two minute mark, a faint pink line appeared as if to say "I am here to give you hope".  She did not believe it.  She was convinced that since it was a dollar store test and the line took so long and was faint, it was wrong.  She was sure she was not pregnant at all and just let it go.  When her period still hadn't come several days later, we had her take the other one with first morning pee.  Of course it was positive too.  It popped up faster, the line was darker, but she still wasn't sure so we scheduled her a blood test for the next day.

We got up, took the bus to the lab, and she had her blood drawn at what by dates should have been 4 weeks 2 days.  It was very much positive once again with a level of 746 beta hcg (pretty high for that dating,so I personally think shes several days past that) but now she is comfortable in the fact that she is indeed pregnant and she has enough of the symptoms, she can't deny it if she wanted to at this point.  She'll be starting her ob/gyn care in August.


There was already a shitstorm brewing with my son's now ex girlfriend before this came to light.  His girlfriend got caught in a succession of lies that even still she is maintaining are not lies, just misunderstandings.  The are lies, plain and simple, and she got caught in them.  She's spun a web of them so far out and so intricate that she can't keep up with them and my son is very protective of his mother.  When she accused  me of doing something he knew for sure I had not done, it was the beginning of the end for them.  He is my first son and we are very close. He turned 18 just 3 days before I turned 40 and we have always shred a lot about a lot of things.  So they indeed have broken up at this point.  Shortly after the break up, her pathological lying went to a new low and she told several people that my son had gotten her pregnant and she'd lost the baby and that he was terribly uncaring about it.  Oddly, they'd never had intercourse during their entire relationship, so I don't know how this mystery baby was conceived, but she forgets how far my reach of information is in this area and exactly how many people know me and the people I know.  And uh...screen shots prove a lot.  I'm going to gump it out now and that's all I've got to say about that.

The trip to the lab for my daughter's blood work started a clogged duct in my left breast that quickly shot into mastitis within a day and a half and then on the Fourth of July, Phiz fell off the bottom step in our house and broke his two front teeth.  They were left very jagged, but there was quite literally nothing we could do but wait until Monday and take him to the dentist, which we did.  It'll be July 29th before treatment begins and I'm still not sure exactly what they will do, but it has caused me so many slices and tears and hurts and pain that I'm feeling so out of it that I'm lost in my own pain most days lately.  And the mastitis isn't quite healing.  I went to the doctor, got antibiotics again and I've finished the round of high dose and still have a lump in there.  I also had a mammogram, my first since having a pacemaker and I may write a whole post just on that because it was definitely strange and more painful that I anticipated.

While I was at it, I got a full spinal series of x-rays done though.  From what I've been told so far they are not good.  I will post a copy of them here when I get a copy of them for my own records (and I always ask for my own copy, ya never know what will get lost along the way of treatment or what radiologist will say when reading another's report).  Giggle worthy, a nurse at the doctor's office just today tried to tell me that progressive degenerative joint disease means I'm getting better.  How on earth she didn't know that the progressive means it gets progressively worse I don't know, but that's what she told me and then I had to remind her it wasn't just my neck they looked at, did she send the whole report to the other doctor.  Of course she hadn't, so when she took a quick peek at it and saw there was a few things mentioned in my thoracic, lumbar and sacroiliac regions as well, I asked if she would please just send them the entire report to the pain management clinic before my appointment tomorrow.  I felt like calling her a moron but I didn't.

I was very excited to go in the morning before my pain management appointment to get my wax fit ins for my new set of teeth only to be called at 5:38 this evening (2 hours after someone had confirmed my appointment as being good) to tell me that there is something wrong with the impressions them made TWO WEEKS ago and I need to have new ones made before they will even start building the wax bites.  All I could do was cry for about 10 minutes and of course, no one in my family could begin to understand why this would even upset me, let alone to this degree.  I miss being my version of pretty.  I miss being who I was and damn it I MISS HAVING FUCKING TEETH.  I am really looking forward to a set I can wear all day every day and feel like a normal person.  There's a certain loss of dignity when you have no teeth in your mouth and all you want to do is smile.  I haven't been quite the same person since I lost my smile.  I was hoping to get that back.

I have some full review posts that are coming up soon.  I really wanted to get back to the mamatography I started at the beginning of the year, and I am definitely going back to work before I get my ass cut open because my house is being foreclosed on for the taxes and fees the bank has paid for me and no one has paid them back for.  So I need the money badly.  And I still need a car in a desperate way.  So I will be going through with the indiegogo campaign very very soon and I hope against hope I've got some readers in a spot that can help me with it.  And for once I'm requesting any donations that anyone has available to them in the mean time.  I've got a donate now button off to the right of the screen there, it goes into a paypal account I can have deposited into my netspend card (not my husband's but my own) so that I can get the little ones some clothes, and get Maxwell ready for the new school year.  He'll need a new backpack, new shoes, new clothes and some school supplies as well as a light jacket and a heavy coat because two light jackets and his heavy coat that wouldn't fit again this year were stolen from him last year.  I did have his name sewn into the heavy coat, but it didn't do me any good obviously, he never got it back.  So now I'm a beggar of my readers too and I'm sorry :(  In all honesty, if you have the clothes, shoes, backpack and jackets, I'd rather have them then money and if anyone out there can help with that I'd be happy to send you his sizes and my address.  Otherwise, there is always good old paypal.  On that very depressing note, I'm off to try to get some sleep for the night so I can get up early and go redo the impressions and hope to someday get my new teeth and feel human again!

Until next time...
J