Friday, November 4, 2016

Since You Asked...

I know, sometimes my titles make no sense to the average person.  I'm pretty sure any of you that have been here more than once have discovered I'm not the average person.  Here again is your friendly warning that you clicked yourself in here, if you're offended you're welcome to leave.  You're also welcome not to return.  You're also welcome to know I give zero fucks if I offend most people.  So continue at your own risk.


Ever hear some rumors about yourself and they make no sense?  Or have a mean girls moment and walk into a room and everyone shuts up?  Or overhear a conversation about yourself and know damn well it's not true?  Well, I have that happen a lot.  It's ok, I'm pretty secure in who and what I am.  You don't get to be where I am in life and not be.  The funny thing is, the imagination some people have is astounding.  And I'm not anywhere near sure how I would be at all interesting enough to be a topic of gossip at this point in my life.  Maybe the people I'm around, but me?  What in the actual fuck.


People are so fuckin strange.  What would make anyone care that much about someone else's life that they would even bother?  It seems though, like I'm a magnet for that kind of strange behavior.  So, if that's your agenda with me, you're very welcome to ask for details about my life.  As you can see, I'm pretty open about what's going on.  And it truly is a very interesting story to listen to (even the truest version of it, with no lies thrown into it, no exaggerations and no assumptions).  And I'm happy to tell it because some of the things I've learned in the life I've led will help other people not make the same mistakes I have so many times over. 


You need do nothing more than ask.  The reality is, I'll tell a lot of people a lot of things if they just ask me.  But if you just assume you know what's going on by social media posts or by what you've heard then you're gonna be in for one hell of a surprise when you discover how boring the truth is by comparison than your imaginative versions.  I may be an asshole but I'm one of the nicest assholes you're ever going to meet ;)

Until next time...

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Work Work Work...

Except it's not really work when you find people you enjoy being with right?  So let me tell you what's going on in my world.  And here again is your friendly reminder that you clicked in here, you picked to be here so anything in this lil ole blog of mine that offends your delicate sensibilities?  Well, I don't particularly give a fuck and you can go cry somewhere else.  Moving on.

My life in a nutshell has been pretty cool.  With the exception of the hiccup a little while back and yeah, it was kind of a big hiccup I admit, things are better right now than they have been in a long long time.  My new work environment has a lot to do with that.  Yep, it's actual work people.  Someone really truly paid money for pictures of me.  Surprising I know.  But when you have someone that's really good at taking the pics and editing them, I guess it doesn't matter how many flaws you have or how fucked up you are in reality.  All that really matters to a whole lot of people is the outside anyway.

 

It's amazing to find people that care about the inside too.  And I'm fortunate to say I have indeed found that in my new photographer and the model I've been steadily working with this last month.  It's been an absolutely amazing experience and I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to not have had it happen.  Especially with perfect timing. So I know this is kind of a short blog, but I am going to share some of the pics here.  Forgive the watermarks, but uh...I do actually know who visits this blog (yes I see you dipshits) and I'm not giving anyone the chance to publicize it without my name in it this time lol.  Have a great day!!!



Until next time...
J


Saturday, October 1, 2016

The Life I Lead...

Yeah, it's me again.  I do this sometimes, ya know, that thing where I actually give a shit about life and try to make a go of things?  So fuck what you heard it's what you hearin.  Yup, I'm quoting DMX.  What else to you expect the girl with the Deadpool tattoo to do?

Damn I hate this shit though...I hate the not knowing.  But I do know this:  It always works out the way it's supposed to.  Always.  Today is a significant date for me, for Ronnie, for our family.  My whole world changed 12 years ago, and for the worse, for the better, forever.  I lost a baby 12 years ago today.  Not a miscarriage per se, but a premature stillbirth due to amniotic infection.  It's a long story, I think I've told the story before if you look back through the archives and I choose not to taint my happiness today with the hurt and heartache retelling it causes.  So I won't.  Needless to say,  he was lost, and it changes a person.

Forever changed the landscape of my history.  A history that is filled with things most people think are made up and manipulated for attentions sake or humor, but most are either downplayed or are told the way they are.  Because it is who I am.  I came across this on my Facebook newsfeed today and of course it fits me well.  Don't walk a mile in my shoes, you could never do it.


The life I lead isn't for everyone.  And everyone doesn't understand what it is to be like me.  They don't understand what it's like to have finances like ours, how we get by, how we are able to do things like smoke pot (donations are a beautiful thing people and some places donate for shout outs, as well as some people are willing to do things like trade for things we own and don't want or time we have to give) or pay our bills (I have an extremely generous friend in another state that pays a lot of my bills and sends me money when I am flat broke because he is an amazing human being, not because there is anything in it for him) when I bitch about never making enough money.  The truth of it is, if you're not paying my bills, it's not your fucking business.  And this blog, and my social media are not my entire life, they are snippets into my life.  There is a lot more behind the scenes that no one but us and a very few selected people know about.  If you're one of those people, you know exactly who you are.  If you question if you're one of them, you're not.  It's that fucking simple.  I'm more private than I seem.  

It takes a strange kind of person to bare literally all for the world to see.  One that "has no shame" most would think.  That's not true.  A lot of people think that I would literally to anything at all for money.  The reality is simple, I won't or I wouldn't be broke, think about it.  I have hard limits.  There are a lot of limits to what I will do.  I have kind of a general rule about shoving things up my ass for instance.  I'm not into it, so I don't.  I've been camming for 10 years without ever once shoving anything up my ass.  Maybe that's why I'm broke.  Try explaining that to your kids at  Christmas, "sorry kids, you can't have a PS4 because mommy doesn't like things in her asshole".  Yeah, nope.  

Speaking of camming, I'm still waiting on approval to start the new site.  I'm fucking always waiting on someone else to make money.  And what do you want to bet they're not having an issue with their bills getting paid?  Because bitches like me don't matter to people like them, I'm just another piece of ass.  Aren't I always?

Until next time...
J


Thursday, September 29, 2016

Onward Hoe...

Just a friendly reminder for the butthurt babies sneaking in the back door (catch that..see what I did there? no? it was a pun, ya know, play on words with butthurt and back door...nevermind) that you are here by choice so anything you read here is because you picked to read it.  Any offense you take at my writing is because you're a twat that needs to get laid.

Moving on, I'm having issues with work.  Or rather, not with work but getting paid.  And work.  LOL I just have issues.  So...back in the middle of September I filmed a short clip, or the first half of it anyway, and due to either my phone being a piece of shit or the photographer and producer being flaky shitholes the second half never got filmed so here I sit, at the end of the month and I still haven't been paid for it or finished it.  Now...I don't live in a world where I can just say cool, I don't need to worry about that money, I'll just make some more because well, this is the person that was supposed to have been setting me up to film once a week or so but seems to keep flaking the fuck out.   Like for real, every time they say they're going to get me paid, or get something set up for me to get paid or me to film another clip, I just don't hear from them for a couple days and it's like they think I forgot or something.  It's not like I can forget I have people to feed and bills to pay ya know?  I don't know what world this person lives in but it's evidently not the kind where money is as hard to come by as it is in my world.



Why do people think I fucking work?  Because it's a sick thrill for me to show the world my naughty bits?  Nope, it's because I need the fucking money, why does everyone else work?  The thing is, I was handed this body that looks perfectly healthy but isn't.  So I can't seem to get disability no matter what I do short of hiring a lawyer that'll take most of the back pay in fees.  And what am I left with?  Not a body that can stand on it's feet or sit in a char for 8 hours.  I'm fucked lol.  So I do the job I'm qualified to do.  It's not glamorous, it's not cool, it doesn't make me feel cool, it doesn't make me feel great most of the time and frankly I'm goddamned tired of men thinking I'm stupid because of what I do. Or that all I'm here for is for them to use however they want, whenever they want and toss me aside when they're done.

So evidently, filming clips is getting me absolutely nowhere except not getting paid and getting my hopes up just to be made a fucking fool of over and over and still not be able to pay my bills.  So I signed up with a new cam company.  As soon as I get approved to cam with them, I will and I'll post about it and if it's different than cams.com is.  I can't imagine how it will be, all cam guys are the same.  Degrade you for a take home pay of maybe $3 an hour and maybe if you work 12 hours a day you can make $200 a week.  Yay.  It wasn't like it was an end all be all for work but filming clips should've gotten me enough money to achieve my eventual goal.  But fuck all if people don't fucking do what they say they're going to.  Or at least anyone involving these fucking clips lol.  it's driving me crazy.  And I was already fucked up.

I dunno, I just want enough.  I don't want to be rich, I don't want to have so much excess I don't know what to do with my money, I just want enough to not have to count pennies at the grocery store and not have to worry about my utilities getting cut off.

So until next time...
J

Monday, September 19, 2016

Yep, One More Post For The Cunty Twatlips That Have Moved On....

So...when you move on from something and no longer care you don't click into a link to see what you can see.  I get email all the time that I never check, never click the links, never check to see what the blog said because I truly don't care.  When you click this link to get here (which you'll have to do to see it) you make yourself a choice to be here.  You make yourself a choice to show that you've been because again, the internet is a truly mysterious gadget for some people, but when you have a monetized blog it records individualized clicks.  So when you come in from the same say...samsung phone over and over again, blogger tells me.  Or when you're coming in from another android device.  Or ios.  When I get curious enough, I can check the IP addresses too.  And I can see if it's the same person reading the same post over and over (or um...showing everyone they can think of because they got mentioned by name and wowie how special are you that you got mentioned in my blog you special special person!!!) or if it's actually individual clicks.  There's a legit reason for it being set up that way but it's funny when someone says they're all moved on but they're clicking onto the same post like 30 times in a day.  Or when they have to edit a comment because they realized that they did indeed admit that they had been sent screen shots of my facebook.  Still, again, whatever but come the fuck on you stupid nasty fucking cunt.  And let's move on to your statement about how I never made you cry.  That's funny too.  I have text messages on my HUSBAND'S phone from you asking him to tell me to stop posting "terrible things about you and your daughter because if my intention was to hurt both of your feelings and make you cry I've succeeded".  And for your stalker crew...ok...if you're going to openly admit you have someone sending you screenshots of my social media that you're blocked from then exactly what would you call that?  That's stalking.  And gross.  And exactly what my post was about.  You know, the one you quoted.  As far as what you lied to my dad about?  Your intentions, but I'm quite sure with you it's pretty hard for you to tell what's true and what's not anymore considering how much you lie on the regular.  You can't even tell yourself the truth most of the time and you've been that way the entire time I've known you.  Even when I was watching the video of you collecting my foodstamps in 1997 you looked like you firmly believed that they were owed to you.  You're the worst form of hypocrite.  The kind that doesn't think there's anything wrong with what you do.  While you teach your children that's how to behave.  And your poor baby girl that I attacked so bad...you know the one that had to jump my shit and give me medical advice while she wasn't even done with LVN school?  She's fucking lucky I'm not a bigger bitch than I am and I didn't screen shot all that and send it to her school.  It'd have cost her her career.  You might want to teach her better since she's still in such utter need of mommy's protection.  Get real bitch.  Lucky for her I'm not Kaptain screen shotter like some folks huh?  But guess what I do have screen shots of?  Yeah...I'll leave you to wonder.  If you haven't thought about me, or worried about me or whatever, then why'd you even click to read it?  BECAUSE YOU'RE A LIAR. JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER WAS.  And your daughter is.  And if you want to see my mother (which is just another lie, because we all know what both of you have said about her for years, but I'm sure you'll say you had no contact with her because of me.  But you never had any problem texting or messaging me to ask me if you could buy some of my pills.  Or hers, now did ya?) if you really do want to see her...grow a fucking pair of goddamned balls and ask someone that knows.  How the fuck did you think MY DAD would know?  That's the dumbest thing yet.  But again I have to remember this is someone that doesn't know the difference between your and you're so I guess it's par for the course there.  Its just too bad you're a fucking moron.  It's also a damn shame children inherit their intelligence from their mother.  Your poor kids.

NOW SHOO YOU FUCKING SHIT FLY, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE BUT I SURE HOPE YOUR "LITTLE" SCREEN SHOTTER HAS FUN SHOTTING THIS FOR YOU!!!

Monday, September 12, 2016

wait...what?

Yeah, I'm actually writing a post.  I know, I must have some time on my hands or something to complain about or something.  Well I have none of the first and a whole fucking lot of the second.  This is where I will do two things, first, remind you that you clicked to come here and made a choice to be here so if you're reading it and you get offended or butthurt because of something I'm saying it's your own fucking fault ya goddamed baby and second, it's my fucking blog if I want to use it to bitch the next person that accuses me of being attention seeking is going to get cunt kicked.  Yeah bitch that clicked just to see if it was about you....I do mean you and your puss baby and her cohorts that wanna talk shit.  Bring it the fuck on, I'm healthy now.  You know where I'm at, come the fuck on. Just make sure you bring it big twatsicle because I'll make sure all my shit's loaded and ready.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way yes, I have aggression issues.  Why you ask? Yeah, I know you didn't, neither did anyone else because frankly no one gives a flying fuck what upsets me I don't think.  As long as I play my part for the right people at the right time and play the game the right way.   I'm fucking tired of helping people and getting shit on.  I'm tired of people assuming they know what's going on when they don't.  I'm tired of people saying they are there for me when they really only want a fair trade.  Nothing is EVER no strings attached.  Nothing is ever given just because someone cares.  There is ALWAYS an expectation of reward.   And if I can't offer a big enough reward I'm not worth helping right then.  That's fine, I'm not worth that much to you...cool.  I'm not worth that much to a lot of people, they keep right on proving that.

Wanna know something?  A few weeks ago I tried to off myself.  I lied and said I didn't but when I looked at the bottle of pills that I took it was really easy to take them.  It was so easy to swallow them all in a row, pill after pill after pill.  It wasn't until I got to the 15th or 20th one before I had second thoughts and by then I had taken what should have been a fatal dose.  Guess what happened.  No one cared.  NOTHING changed.  It didn't matter.  People don't treat things any differently.  They don't care if things get to be too much.  Or if I have a day that my psyche is fractured.  I AM NOT WHOLE.  I don't claim to be.  I am flawed, I'm fucked up.  Even the hospital didn't care.  They sent me home untreated to die.  Even though my husband had watched me take all those pills and what I took causes seizures and cardiac arrest in even healthy people and yes renee and kaeleigh you can look it up since you'll say I'm lying or it was just a cry for attention, it was Baclofen, 20mg pills.  Bet you bitches feel like it had any morsel of anything to do with you? Fuck you.  It didn't.  My pacemaker battery died.  You know, that one I don't need for my fictitious terminal illness I don't have (that runs in our family though that she has dna of so uh...duh fuckwit).  I have stressors.  Also I hear a big congrats are in order for finishing her LVN school...when does she her MD again??

So there's your post cunts.  Go cry because I called you names and tell the world how you'd beat my ass but I'm just not worth it. (or your lazy ass won't get up to do it)

Until next time...
J

Friday, May 27, 2016

Back To The Grind...

Maybe literally, depending on who or what I may be grinding on lol.  So I know it's been a really long time.  It's been busy, hectic, every adjective you can imagine to put in there for I can't handle all the shit life has thrown at me.  Obviously I sold the house and moved months ago.  Like almost half a year now.  And as much as I love my new place and am glad to be away from the poison that was my old dwelling, this house is no more affordable and is not being kept any cleaner.  That's what happens when you live in a world that no one thinks they have to work or clean up after themselves or their child/ren.

My granddaughter is over a year old now.  My baby is going to be five in just a few short weeks and my mother is still here.  Lingering like the shit demon she has become.  I would love to put her in a nursing home and people ask us ALL THE TIME why we haven't done that yet.  We are trying to.  Desperately.  But no one will take her.

We recently had a bout with what was basically just a run of the mill urinary tract infection.  It snowballed into such a bullshit party that we were told by the paramedics and fire department that the next time we call 911 it better be a fucking emergency or we're going to get fined and possible jail time for abuse of the emergency services system.  Let me backtrack for you and tell you the whole story.  This is added to the list of "sounds like she probably made this up" but I didn't because I'm tellin ya, if I had that good of an imagination I'd be writing novels, not blogging a few times a year (though I really want it to be once a day or so lol) and making JK Rowling money.

One morning we got up to my mother being her normal cranky self, but she says she's thrown up on herself.  We don't find vomit, but it looks like she's poured water on herself so my husband gives her a emesis basin and changes her shirt and starts getting her morning meds ready and going about his routine.  He hears her coughing and watches her literally work up some phlegm to spit on herself and she does, all the while making gagging noises and calls for him telling him she's thrown up again.  At this point I tell him that if she's puking on herself she needs to go to the dr because we are not equipped to deal with that kind of shit.  She hears me and goes about fake puking on herself and that ends up in call number one to 911.  Because that is what we were told to do by here primary care doctor.  Keep in mind we drive a mini van but it is not wheelchair equipped.

They have her in the ER for all of about 15 hours and most of that length of time is because she was refusing to give them a urine sample.  Diagnosis?  Urinary tract infection, home with antibiotics.  While in the ER she had been very demanding and told them they were required to give her IV morphine (they did not), something for anxiety (they did not), and they needed to admit her (they did not).  Because she did not get any of the things she wanted, she pulled her colostomy bag off and threw it at a nurse.

Twelve days later we get up and she's acting totally out of it.  Like she has no fucking clue who we are.  Tells me she never had a daughter, that she only had sons and that she has no idea who I am but I'm a pretty lady and will I get her a pain pill because she just hurts.  I should have known right then that it was what it was.  It was all about the high.  It has been my whole life.  Again, we called her doctor who says hang up and call 911 she may have had another stroke.  At no point does anyone say anything about a UTI causing confusion in elderly patients.  But I make a post on my Facebook about it and get told by my niece the nursing student that this is super common.  In elderly patients.  Keep in mind my mom is 64.  Not what is considered elderly.  But...at some point in the ER she had heard someone discussing elderly patients having confusion with UTI and she tucked that away in her head for later use.  This is a big deal why?  Because I'm being told that this is common, that I should have known this, and I'm being treated like a fucking idiot because I didn't.  Do people forget who this person is?  Do people forget this is the person who has been marked as a drug seeker for 20 years?  The same "mother" that had me working 2 jobs at 17 to make sure we had enough money for her habits AND the electricity?  Come the fuck on.  Not only was she faking the whole fucking "confusion" bullshit anyway, she's not even in the age bracket or severity of UTI to have had any "confusion" because of it.  And I really am at a point with some of it that I wish people would try to remember that if they don't live with the person, they don't know what's going on.

Moving on.  They did a CT scan and a MRI and turns out she hadn't had another stroke, she doesn't have Alzheimer's no organic brain disease, no dementia, no nothing.  But that second 911 call, they told us it was a reaction to the original antibiotic, prescribed another and sent her home in less than 2 hours.  Because she was fucking awful again.

Then comes call number three to 911.  This time they aren't very friendly.  And they don't want to take her but we insist.  The hospital doesn't want to take her, but they do and this time at our insistence they do finally do the CT scan and MRI that makes the discovery that she's just a big fat faker.  The kept her there for a couple days only because at that point we said fine....we give up, put her in a nursing home.  They said ok, but worst case scenario can you take her back home until we find one.  And by the way she'll be on IV antibiotics for 10 days.  I said ok not thinking that'd happen.  Of course it did.  Then they tell me she has MRSA too.  So home she comes on an IV with MRSA.  Or so we think.

Three days in she rips her IV port out and has to get rushed off to urgent care because the ER does not want her back and we have been told DO NOT CALL 911 unless someone is dying.  They test her for a UTI and MRSA and guess what folks?  SHE DOES NOT HAVE EITHER.  So that whole she's acting out of it because she has a UTI?  Totally fucking fake as shit because by the time she pulled that rabbit out of her hat her UTI was gone.  She waited too long to fake that one and have it pan out.  So it wasn't a UTI at all.

I'm never going to know if something really happens or if she's really sick because she fakes so much when she really is sick I'm going to just think she's faking something else.  Also, she threw a colostomy bag full of her own feces at me on Mother's Day.  So if anyone can top that for a shitty mother's day I'll be glad to hear it but I bet they can't.  Your own mother throwing shit at you on purpose just to be mean and spiteful on Mother's Day?  There's gotta be some kind of prize for that right?

Until next time...
J