Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Eventful. In More Ways Than One...

So life got twisted, turned and went upside down.  I'm what I never thought I'd be...a non custodial mother.  Legal issues aside, my younger kids are boys and boys need a father.  I cannot teach them to be a man in any way shape or form.  Anyone that "stays together for the kids" is stupid.  I was stupid for way too long. 

Now I'm away and I miss them like I never thought I could miss anything.  It's an overwhelming ache you can't understand unless you're a mother away from her children.  Men are designed to be away, we are not.  It hurts.  With a burning passionate hurt.  And I'm Gumping my way out of that...that's all I'm going to say about that.

I don't expect anyone to understand my choices, or agree with them.  I don't particularly care if they do.  I'm not struggling with them.  It's what we all needed.  I have things I need to heal from away from them and they have things they need to heal from away from me.  That's a harder thing to admit than you'd believe.

I still go to cannabis events.  I work at a rec an renewal dr's office with my daughter, and I love my job passionately.  I own my little edibles company still with a few steady clients and a few dispensaries carrying my stuff.  It's good.  Life is...well, it's life.  It moves on, it's eventful.  It makes me wonder what my purpose here is.  I don't get it yet, but I like that I can help people stay medicated.  There's always that.

Until next time...


Sunday, July 30, 2017

Because No One Has Yet To Ask...

So evidently there is some misconception that social media is real life for some people.  And some of the old people in my life see every post as an accurate reflection of my life, so I figured I'd add a little post and update the world on what's going on with me. 

A lot has changed in my world.  But lets face it, those of us in stagnant ponds with few changes throughout time are the ones that never have much to talk about but others (and those that smell like shit too to be honest).  My water is far from stagnant, but it seems my name crosses a lot of lips.  I sometimes wonder why that is, but at the same time...I don't think I care.  If there are people so bored with their own existence that they are concerning themselves with mine?  Well, I should be flattered I suppose.

I started a cannabis infused product business  a while back and a shop in a town next to mine (the closest city with legal dispensaries) is carrying my products and many more are interested in them.  I took a break from modeling due to a lack of photographer that wasn't an asshole stealing pics and money from me (uh, like the last one who I STILL have clients from contacting me to do the jobs he was paid in advance for that I never saw a penny of but I'm being held accountable for).  I'm getting divorced because of a variety of reasons but a big one is the dude just couldn't ever own up to his part of the responsibility for ANY DAMN THING. And he kicked me out of my home because I'm a dipshit and allowed it so I can't hug my babies every day. But I also have a kick ass job at a place I love.  I have a new man in my life that treats me like a queen.  Like...maybe I should have been all along.

Life is a funny thing isn't it?  I'm ready to just keep moving forward and not have all the drama and negativity some of the past has brought me.  I've got some really amazing people to work with, to be around and to help me.  In the midst of all the things I can't control that make me feel shitty, I know I'm beyond blessed.  And I'm thankful.

Until next time...

Friday, November 4, 2016

Since You Asked...

I know, sometimes my titles make no sense to the average person.  I'm pretty sure any of you that have been here more than once have discovered I'm not the average person.  Here again is your friendly warning that you clicked yourself in here, if you're offended you're welcome to leave.  You're also welcome not to return.  You're also welcome to know I give zero fucks if I offend most people.  So continue at your own risk.

Ever hear some rumors about yourself and they make no sense?  Or have a mean girls moment and walk into a room and everyone shuts up?  Or overhear a conversation about yourself and know damn well it's not true?  Well, I have that happen a lot.  It's ok, I'm pretty secure in who and what I am.  You don't get to be where I am in life and not be.  The funny thing is, the imagination some people have is astounding.  And I'm not anywhere near sure how I would be at all interesting enough to be a topic of gossip at this point in my life.  Maybe the people I'm around, but me?  What in the actual fuck.

People are so fuckin strange.  What would make anyone care that much about someone else's life that they would even bother?  It seems though, like I'm a magnet for that kind of strange behavior.  So, if that's your agenda with me, you're very welcome to ask for details about my life.  As you can see, I'm pretty open about what's going on.  And it truly is a very interesting story to listen to (even the truest version of it, with no lies thrown into it, no exaggerations and no assumptions).  And I'm happy to tell it because some of the things I've learned in the life I've led will help other people not make the same mistakes I have so many times over. 

You need do nothing more than ask.  The reality is, I'll tell a lot of people a lot of things if they just ask me.  But if you just assume you know what's going on by social media posts or by what you've heard then you're gonna be in for one hell of a surprise when you discover how boring the truth is by comparison than your imaginative versions.  I may be an asshole but I'm one of the nicest assholes you're ever going to meet ;)

Until next time...

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Work Work Work...

Except it's not really work when you find people you enjoy being with right?  So let me tell you what's going on in my world.  And here again is your friendly reminder that you clicked in here, you picked to be here so anything in this lil ole blog of mine that offends your delicate sensibilities?  Well, I don't particularly give a fuck and you can go cry somewhere else.  Moving on.

My life in a nutshell has been pretty cool.  With the exception of the hiccup a little while back and yeah, it was kind of a big hiccup I admit, things are better right now than they have been in a long long time.  My new work environment has a lot to do with that.  Yep, it's actual work people.  Someone really truly paid money for pictures of me.  Surprising I know.  But when you have someone that's really good at taking the pics and editing them, I guess it doesn't matter how many flaws you have or how fucked up you are in reality.  All that really matters to a whole lot of people is the outside anyway.


It's amazing to find people that care about the inside too.  And I'm fortunate to say I have indeed found that in my new photographer and the model I've been steadily working with this last month.  It's been an absolutely amazing experience and I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like to not have had it happen.  Especially with perfect timing. So I know this is kind of a short blog, but I am going to share some of the pics here.  Forgive the watermarks, but uh...I do actually know who visits this blog (yes I see you dipshits) and I'm not giving anyone the chance to publicize it without my name in it this time lol.  Have a great day!!!

Until next time...

Saturday, October 1, 2016

The Life I Lead...

Yeah, it's me again.  I do this sometimes, ya know, that thing where I actually give a shit about life and try to make a go of things?  So fuck what you heard it's what you hearin.  Yup, I'm quoting DMX.  What else to you expect the girl with the Deadpool tattoo to do?

Damn I hate this shit though...I hate the not knowing.  But I do know this:  It always works out the way it's supposed to.  Always.  Today is a significant date for me, for Ronnie, for our family.  My whole world changed 12 years ago, and for the worse, for the better, forever.  I lost a baby 12 years ago today.  Not a miscarriage per se, but a premature stillbirth due to amniotic infection.  It's a long story, I think I've told the story before if you look back through the archives and I choose not to taint my happiness today with the hurt and heartache retelling it causes.  So I won't.  Needless to say,  he was lost, and it changes a person.

Forever changed the landscape of my history.  A history that is filled with things most people think are made up and manipulated for attentions sake or humor, but most are either downplayed or are told the way they are.  Because it is who I am.  I came across this on my Facebook newsfeed today and of course it fits me well.  Don't walk a mile in my shoes, you could never do it.

The life I lead isn't for everyone.  And everyone doesn't understand what it is to be like me.  They don't understand what it's like to have finances like ours, how we get by, how we are able to do things like smoke pot (donations are a beautiful thing people and some places donate for shout outs, as well as some people are willing to do things like trade for things we own and don't want or time we have to give) or pay our bills (I have an extremely generous friend in another state that pays a lot of my bills and sends me money when I am flat broke because he is an amazing human being, not because there is anything in it for him) when I bitch about never making enough money.  The truth of it is, if you're not paying my bills, it's not your fucking business.  And this blog, and my social media are not my entire life, they are snippets into my life.  There is a lot more behind the scenes that no one but us and a very few selected people know about.  If you're one of those people, you know exactly who you are.  If you question if you're one of them, you're not.  It's that fucking simple.  I'm more private than I seem.  

It takes a strange kind of person to bare literally all for the world to see.  One that "has no shame" most would think.  That's not true.  A lot of people think that I would literally to anything at all for money.  The reality is simple, I won't or I wouldn't be broke, think about it.  I have hard limits.  There are a lot of limits to what I will do.  I have kind of a general rule about shoving things up my ass for instance.  I'm not into it, so I don't.  I've been camming for 10 years without ever once shoving anything up my ass.  Maybe that's why I'm broke.  Try explaining that to your kids at  Christmas, "sorry kids, you can't have a PS4 because mommy doesn't like things in her asshole".  Yeah, nope.  

Speaking of camming, I'm still waiting on approval to start the new site.  I'm fucking always waiting on someone else to make money.  And what do you want to bet they're not having an issue with their bills getting paid?  Because bitches like me don't matter to people like them, I'm just another piece of ass.  Aren't I always?

Until next time...

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Onward Hoe...

Just a friendly reminder for the butthurt babies sneaking in the back door (catch that..see what I did there? no? it was a pun, ya know, play on words with butthurt and back door...nevermind) that you are here by choice so anything you read here is because you picked to read it.  Any offense you take at my writing is because you're a twat that needs to get laid.

Moving on, I'm having issues with work.  Or rather, not with work but getting paid.  And work.  LOL I just have issues.  So...back in the middle of September I filmed a short clip, or the first half of it anyway, and due to either my phone being a piece of shit or the photographer and producer being flaky shitholes the second half never got filmed so here I sit, at the end of the month and I still haven't been paid for it or finished it.  Now...I don't live in a world where I can just say cool, I don't need to worry about that money, I'll just make some more because well, this is the person that was supposed to have been setting me up to film once a week or so but seems to keep flaking the fuck out.   Like for real, every time they say they're going to get me paid, or get something set up for me to get paid or me to film another clip, I just don't hear from them for a couple days and it's like they think I forgot or something.  It's not like I can forget I have people to feed and bills to pay ya know?  I don't know what world this person lives in but it's evidently not the kind where money is as hard to come by as it is in my world.

Why do people think I fucking work?  Because it's a sick thrill for me to show the world my naughty bits?  Nope, it's because I need the fucking money, why does everyone else work?  The thing is, I was handed this body that looks perfectly healthy but isn't.  So I can't seem to get disability no matter what I do short of hiring a lawyer that'll take most of the back pay in fees.  And what am I left with?  Not a body that can stand on it's feet or sit in a char for 8 hours.  I'm fucked lol.  So I do the job I'm qualified to do.  It's not glamorous, it's not cool, it doesn't make me feel cool, it doesn't make me feel great most of the time and frankly I'm goddamned tired of men thinking I'm stupid because of what I do. Or that all I'm here for is for them to use however they want, whenever they want and toss me aside when they're done.

So evidently, filming clips is getting me absolutely nowhere except not getting paid and getting my hopes up just to be made a fucking fool of over and over and still not be able to pay my bills.  So I signed up with a new cam company.  As soon as I get approved to cam with them, I will and I'll post about it and if it's different than is.  I can't imagine how it will be, all cam guys are the same.  Degrade you for a take home pay of maybe $3 an hour and maybe if you work 12 hours a day you can make $200 a week.  Yay.  It wasn't like it was an end all be all for work but filming clips should've gotten me enough money to achieve my eventual goal.  But fuck all if people don't fucking do what they say they're going to.  Or at least anyone involving these fucking clips lol.  it's driving me crazy.  And I was already fucked up.

I dunno, I just want enough.  I don't want to be rich, I don't want to have so much excess I don't know what to do with my money, I just want enough to not have to count pennies at the grocery store and not have to worry about my utilities getting cut off.

So until next time...

Monday, September 19, 2016

Yep, One More Post For The Cunty Twatlips That Have Moved On....

So...when you move on from something and no longer care you don't click into a link to see what you can see.  I get email all the time that I never check, never click the links, never check to see what the blog said because I truly don't care.  When you click this link to get here (which you'll have to do to see it) you make yourself a choice to be here.  You make yourself a choice to show that you've been because again, the internet is a truly mysterious gadget for some people, but when you have a monetized blog it records individualized clicks.  So when you come in from the same phone over and over again, blogger tells me.  Or when you're coming in from another android device.  Or ios.  When I get curious enough, I can check the IP addresses too.  And I can see if it's the same person reading the same post over and over (or um...showing everyone they can think of because they got mentioned by name and wowie how special are you that you got mentioned in my blog you special special person!!!) or if it's actually individual clicks.  There's a legit reason for it being set up that way but it's funny when someone says they're all moved on but they're clicking onto the same post like 30 times in a day.  Or when they have to edit a comment because they realized that they did indeed admit that they had been sent screen shots of my facebook.  Still, again, whatever but come the fuck on you stupid nasty fucking cunt.  And let's move on to your statement about how I never made you cry.  That's funny too.  I have text messages on my HUSBAND'S phone from you asking him to tell me to stop posting "terrible things about you and your daughter because if my intention was to hurt both of your feelings and make you cry I've succeeded".  And for your stalker crew...ok...if you're going to openly admit you have someone sending you screenshots of my social media that you're blocked from then exactly what would you call that?  That's stalking.  And gross.  And exactly what my post was about.  You know, the one you quoted.  As far as what you lied to my dad about?  Your intentions, but I'm quite sure with you it's pretty hard for you to tell what's true and what's not anymore considering how much you lie on the regular.  You can't even tell yourself the truth most of the time and you've been that way the entire time I've known you.  Even when I was watching the video of you collecting my foodstamps in 1997 you looked like you firmly believed that they were owed to you.  You're the worst form of hypocrite.  The kind that doesn't think there's anything wrong with what you do.  While you teach your children that's how to behave.  And your poor baby girl that I attacked so know the one that had to jump my shit and give me medical advice while she wasn't even done with LVN school?  She's fucking lucky I'm not a bigger bitch than I am and I didn't screen shot all that and send it to her school.  It'd have cost her her career.  You might want to teach her better since she's still in such utter need of mommy's protection.  Get real bitch.  Lucky for her I'm not Kaptain screen shotter like some folks huh?  But guess what I do have screen shots of?  Yeah...I'll leave you to wonder.  If you haven't thought about me, or worried about me or whatever, then why'd you even click to read it?  BECAUSE YOU'RE A LIAR. JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER WAS.  And your daughter is.  And if you want to see my mother (which is just another lie, because we all know what both of you have said about her for years, but I'm sure you'll say you had no contact with her because of me.  But you never had any problem texting or messaging me to ask me if you could buy some of my pills.  Or hers, now did ya?) if you really do want to see her...grow a fucking pair of goddamned balls and ask someone that knows.  How the fuck did you think MY DAD would know?  That's the dumbest thing yet.  But again I have to remember this is someone that doesn't know the difference between your and you're so I guess it's par for the course there.  Its just too bad you're a fucking moron.  It's also a damn shame children inherit their intelligence from their mother.  Your poor kids.