Thursday, August 23, 2012

Blue...

I don't know who I am today.  I know that sounds cryptic and strange, but I don't.  I know I'm someone's mother, I know I'm someone's wife, and I know I'm someone's daughter but beyond that I have no idea who "I" am.  I used to be pretty, I used to be funny, I used to be happy, I used to be someone.  I used to be able to go places and do things.  I used to be...

I don't know when it changed exactly or who I turned into.  I'm not sure what caused it all.  I'm not even sure I know what to call it.  I do know I haven't left my bedroom to do more than go to the bathroom since day before yesterday.  I didn't even go downstairs yesterday.  I haven't yet today either. 

It's tense here.  There is friction I can't explain.  There has been so much grief in this last year that maybe that's it, I don't know.  If it weren't for my husband, my kids would have starved to death the last little while because I don't even know for sure when the last time I left the house was. 

I feel like a pathetic loser.  I don't know why I'm like this or what to do to change it.  I've lost myself and I don't know where to begin to look for who I was...

J

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Home Made Bath Crayons...

I figured that I would post a tutorial here because I've been doing all kinds of fun shit.  Sewing mostly, but my 6 year old wanted some bath crayons and we had all the stuff here.

First we took a plain bar of ivory soap and grated it up.

Then we added about a half a cup of hot water.

My six year old didn't want to get his hands "icky" so I tried to stir with a spoon but it didn't work very well so I had to knead it with my hands.

His favorite color of the day is orange, so we added a few drops of red food coloring and a few drops of yellow.  I mixed it again and got it ready to put in the muffin tin.



It made about 6 muffin tin shaped crayons because we couldn't find the cookie cutters and frankly, I didn't give a crap what shape they were since they'll end up all over my shower walls anyway.

The instructional that I have says that it takes 2 days to dry, but I have them on my patio that's about 106 degrees right now so I'm pretty sure they'll be dry by tomorrow.  I'll let you guys know how it worked out and post some pics of the boys playing with them!  If they're that easy to make and use, I'm sure I'll make more soon in other colors.

Until next time...
J

Friday, August 3, 2012

Withdraw...

So in the wake of all the death and dismay I have a confession to make.  Those of you that know me in real life know that I'm a rather functional addict.  Some of you may not be aware to what extent.

Many years ago I was in a car accident that not only shattered ALL of my teeth, it broke my c4 vertebrae.  At the time (being as vain as I am) I was more concerned with my teeth than my neck.  Fast forward a few years and I started having chronic pain.  Headaches so severe that I could not function.  I was able to get something called facet joint injections that managed that pain for many years but I got pregnant with my 6 year old and had to stop them. Before I stopped nursing  him (at 22 months old) I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy.  I am no longer able to get the injections so I have turned to opiates. 

I started out about a year ago, shortly after the baby was born, on regular vicodin but it didn't even take the edge off so my pain management dr put my up a dose on norco.  That's twice the hydrocodone with less of the the Tylenol ingredient.  So anyhow, now I'm an opiate addict. 

I have really crappy state health insurance, and believe me I am grateful for it, but it's hard to get my refills sometimes.  I have no money and I'm outta my fucking pills.  It makes for a really bad few days of withdrawal.  I guess I managed to over take my pills because I shouldn't be out yet but I am.  I feel like shit.  I hurt all over and the stomach issues I already have from all my damn heart meds plus withdrawal symptoms and I have no pain relief at all. 

I guess this is my way of feeling sorry for myself because in all reality, no one else should feel sorry for me.  I've done this to myself.  I never really liked the "buzz" that the pills give me, I just like the pain relief.  Pot does help my anxiety issues, but not so much the bone pain.  Muscular yeah, but bone pain, no.  I'm almost on the verge of accepting a hydromorphone from my mom but I think that will just make me more sick to my stomach. 

The moral of the story here...I'm admitting my addiction publicly in some hopes that my friends and loved ones will understand why I am the way I am sometimes.  I'm off to go deal with my cold sweats and stomach ache.

Until next time...
J