Friday, August 3, 2012

Withdraw...

So in the wake of all the death and dismay I have a confession to make.  Those of you that know me in real life know that I'm a rather functional addict.  Some of you may not be aware to what extent.

Many years ago I was in a car accident that not only shattered ALL of my teeth, it broke my c4 vertebrae.  At the time (being as vain as I am) I was more concerned with my teeth than my neck.  Fast forward a few years and I started having chronic pain.  Headaches so severe that I could not function.  I was able to get something called facet joint injections that managed that pain for many years but I got pregnant with my 6 year old and had to stop them. Before I stopped nursing  him (at 22 months old) I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy.  I am no longer able to get the injections so I have turned to opiates. 

I started out about a year ago, shortly after the baby was born, on regular vicodin but it didn't even take the edge off so my pain management dr put my up a dose on norco.  That's twice the hydrocodone with less of the the Tylenol ingredient.  So anyhow, now I'm an opiate addict. 

I have really crappy state health insurance, and believe me I am grateful for it, but it's hard to get my refills sometimes.  I have no money and I'm outta my fucking pills.  It makes for a really bad few days of withdrawal.  I guess I managed to over take my pills because I shouldn't be out yet but I am.  I feel like shit.  I hurt all over and the stomach issues I already have from all my damn heart meds plus withdrawal symptoms and I have no pain relief at all. 

I guess this is my way of feeling sorry for myself because in all reality, no one else should feel sorry for me.  I've done this to myself.  I never really liked the "buzz" that the pills give me, I just like the pain relief.  Pot does help my anxiety issues, but not so much the bone pain.  Muscular yeah, but bone pain, no.  I'm almost on the verge of accepting a hydromorphone from my mom but I think that will just make me more sick to my stomach. 

The moral of the story here...I'm admitting my addiction publicly in some hopes that my friends and loved ones will understand why I am the way I am sometimes.  I'm off to go deal with my cold sweats and stomach ache.

Until next time...
J

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