Monday, April 14, 2014

Just another day in paradise...

As always in the world there is good news and bad news.  The good news first, I'm just that kind of gal.  Memphis is in underpants.  Like, he pees on the potty almost every damn time.  He hasn't had a number two yet that was totally successful but he sure has tried like hell!  I'm really proud of him.

We tried a three day potty training program and it didn't work worth a shit for us, it took more like the 5 day plan but then he finally got it.  All it took was for him to get some big boy underwear and he got the idea just that easy.  Was really pretty cool!  He even stays dry at night and during naps although I'm keeping him in pullups or cloth trainers and a plastic pant just in case.

Now on to the other stuff.  I am still feeling pretty shitty.  Mentally, I just can't get a grip on what's going on in my life.  My "housemates" are worse to live with than anyone else I've ever lived with and I've lived with some real peachy people in my day.  I don't even feel like it's a family here.  I don't feel like anyone wants me around unless they need me to fill out a form for them or fix something for them or do something for them or or or...

I feel unwelcome.  I feel shitty.  I feel like no one even wants to talk to me unless it's to complain about someone else.  I don't know what to do.  So for the most part, I sit in my bedroom and I don't leave it and I cry and I cry and I cry.  My "family" doesn't seem to care at all.  They don't seem to want to help me, they don't want to make things any better for anyone, let alone me.

I started writing this blog and then put it down for a while.  While it was closed there was a blow up with my "family" yet again.  This is not a happy family.  I asked for some peace and quiet to meditate, to try to calm my soul and my nerves and it evolved into a screaming match that ended with my daughter no longer being my friend on facebook and threatening me with calling every authority available to try to convince them I am an unfit mother.  That is my biggest fear.  It goes beyond the normal every mother has this fear.  I have had children's services called on me many times.  A couple of them by my own mother.  Once was just days after having a miscarriage.  Boy is that fun to have a social worker screaming at you that you will lose your remaining children as "God saw fit not to give you another baby".  Yes, that's really what the woman told me.  While I had the blood of a miscarriage running down my leg because she wouldn't allow me to go to the restroom.

These things traumatize me.  Everything does I guess.  I'm broken, I'm wounded.  I have social anxiety and I'm afraid of people.  I just want people to like me, that is all I want in the world and I feel like a total failure because NO ONE DOES.  I'm sitting here writing this with tears streaming down my face and I don't feel like there is anyone on the whole planet that understands.  Or that even wants to. My name is trouble, and no one wants to deal with me I guess.  Yes, this is the blog of a troubled woman.  This is the blog of someone mentally flawed.  Physically disabled.  Perhaps even an admitted bitch.  I have a lot of things going through my head all at once all the time and I don't know how to deal with anything.  I guess I'm kind of rambling on now, so I'm going to leave you for today in the hopes that I can get my shit together and be "normal" soon.  Maybe I'll feel better.  Maybe I won't.

Until next time...
J

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