WHAT?!? I know, that sounds so gross right? Yeah, well, it is. There are a few things along the way that i hadn't told the world about. Mainly, because I was embarrassed by them. And partly, because I already blast so much weird shit all over the internet that sometimes I think people probably think I make half of if up or exaggerate it anyway so if I add to it, people will think I've got an even more broad imagination. (How's THAT for a run on sentence?) Ok, so...there is even more to my weirdness that most of you don't know. A few of you real lifers know, but well, you know all this shit's for real anyway too, so you know I'm not JUST crazy. Even though I'm that too.
About a year ago my next door neighbor called the health department on us. The complaint was that the pool was green and that there was an overwhelming amount of dog shit. So an inspector came for a surprise visit. The pool was green. They gave us one week to correct it and moved to the dog shit issue. Now, keep in mind I have six dogs. Yep, that's right. Six. A really lot of dogs that shit all over that back yard. BUT, that is one thing that is actually kept up with. Because with that many dogs, if it wasn't we'd live in a pile of dog shit. So they ask how many dogs, Ronnie tells them, and the inspector says unfounded claim. But the pool lingers over our heads like a dark cloud for the next year and is STILL a thorn in my side, but we'll come back to that. So that is complaint number one (or shall we say, inspection number one).
It wasn't of course the last of things. It never is right? But it was the last of that particular inpector. Officer Sprague comes next. Now see, he has issues many citations over the years over one thing or another. Just this past year alone we've wracked up a whopping 7 $500 tickets for an unregistered nonworking vehicle in the driveway. Odd thing about this is, we have two of them but only one gets the ticket. So there that is, the one that leaked all its fluids on the driveway has gotten a fuckton of tickets too. And the sideyard. And some bare grass. And we have the garbage cans visible fro the street.
So one day the doorbell rings and it is Officer Sprague to inspect a complaint. Evidently, we're hoarders, like worthy of the TLC cable show variety. And, well, I'm just not.
Uhhhh...WHAT IN THE HOLY SHIT FUCK ARE YOU SAYING TO ME RIGHT NOW?
These are pictures of my house, not even that clean, and my neighbors, plural, reported us as being hoarders. WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DO THIS? For one, a woman that has lived next to my grandma for 35 years, how nice huh? The others? Her friends. Thing is, my grandma WAS a hoarder, but we cleaned it all out when we moved in here. We had to! So yeah, that happened to, unpleasantly. He came and took pictures of literally every inch of my home. He also said the claim was unfounded, but he had to take the pictures to prove it in the file. How embarrassong for me.
Now as for the title. My kids stink. In more ways than one. Including the child I'm married to. I mean, they stunk before, but this is awful....so if you happen to read this you too big ones, clean up your act and SHOWER MORE.
Until next time...