I've got this thing where I disappear for days on end from my friends online. I think I mentioned that once before. Sometimes I have good reasons, sometimes I just need a break or I've gotten into a book and I get all obsessed and can't put it down and I do everything one handed because I can't stop reading. How was THAT for a run on sentence? Anyway, this last weekend I was offline.
Not really, I mean, I kept checking Facebook randomly when Memphis would log me in through a game on my iPad or when he'd pin something for me but for the most part, it wasn't me that was there. He had roseola. Any mom that's had a kid with this knows the horror of realizing that your kid has a giant fever and you have no clue why. When Maxwell had it, his fever topped out at 105 and I damn near panicked. Phiz, never got above 103 and by the time I even realized for sure what it was, he had the rash and the fever had broken. He acted totally normal through all of it, a little more clingy than usual and nursed more than normal so I think I lost about 5 pounds in that whole deal. Why am I telling you this? Because it caused me to not be there for a friend. And I should have been. Phiz was sick yes, the house was in chaos yes, but it always is, but I could have been there for my friend. And I wasn't. Makes me feel like I need to re evaluate a few things and the ways I do them.
In among the household chaos, there was an argument that affected my kids more than it should have. I'm not proud of it, it wasn't one of my finer moments, but it happens. Married people fight. I hate football, and I wish I was the one that could spend three hours plastered to the television with no worries and no kids to watch, but I digress... It was the affect on the kids that I wish I could have changed. Poor little Max who tries so hard to keep the peace with everyone, went back and forth between the living room and my bedroom making sure I wasn't crying and daddy wasn't going to yell at anyone any more. Again, made me feel a need for re evaluation., and like shit, mostly like shit.
Back to my friend. I need to be a better person for my friend because they've been a better person for me. Why can't I follow the example that's been set for me? I drive myself crazy with self doubt and worry anyway, and this is the direction it's taken, wondering why on earth I can't just grow the fuck up and act right. Why do I do the dumb things I do STILL?!? So I'm setting myself some goals people. I'm absolutely sure that I can get some of them accomplished. Some of the others, not so much.
I know I can be a better person, a person that is proud of who she is and doesn't hide from the world around them. A person that can take what's handed to them and make something good with it instead of shoving it into a corner and pretending it's not happening. That's what I'm going to be doing with my energy. I'm hoping that all the people reading will send me some positive vibes too, ok?
Until next time...