Friday, October 4, 2013

A Major Apology and Some Other Random Things...

First, I'm going to apologize the the Mesothelioma foundation and especially to Heather Von St James.  She had very graciously offered me the chance to write about National Mesothelioma Awareness day on September 26 and I dropped the ball.  Completely.  I got overwhelmed in my head and in my life and I just didn't do what I said I would do.  I'm so very sorry for that.  I'm not sure how to make up for it, but if anyone has any ideas, please leave a comment.


I drop the ball on a lot of things.  I just do.  Obviously, that's not what I set out to do, it just happens more often than I'd like it to.  I suffer right along with everyone else when I've done it too.  I guess that's the universe's way of reminding me to get my shit together.  Which I still, at almost 40, have yet to do.  I've just never been good at the follow through.  I desperately WANT to make people happy, but no matter my intent, I don't meet those goals very often it seems.

I'm depressed.  I suffer from what my doctor has termed "situational depression" with the diagnosis of OCD and Anxiety that was made so many years ago, but also, she firmly believes I'm suffering from some degree of post traumatic stress over a whole hell of a lot of things.  Basically, my head's all fucked up.  I don't WANT it to be, of course, why would I?  No one wants to feel like this, do they?  It's gotten to the point in my home life where I don't even want to be here.  I feel so unwanted in my own home it's disgusting.  No one seems to make any attempt to even try to understand that I have these feelings, let alone to want to help me with them.  All the people here are seemingly worried about is what makes them happy and what they want.  It seems to go beyond the normal every day human selfishness that all people have.  Trust me when I say that I'm aware that my perception could well be wrong.  Realistically though, I live with a bunch of overly selfish people that are very used to me doing everything for them and taking all their shit without complaining too much about it.  It's not because I WANT to feel this way that I do.  I can't imagine anyone wants to feel like no one likes them and that everything they say just makes the people around them angry.  My family is all I have.  I don't have any friends.  I can't think of more than 3 people on the whole planet that would even talk to me on the phone if I called them.  And even them, whatever is wrong in my head, tells me they probably don't really want anything to do with me either really and only talk to me because they feel obligated. Like I said, I don't want to feel this way, I just do.  I'm being medicated for it.  I take my medication like I'm supposed to.  But at some point, if the environment doesn't change, and the people around me aren't willing to help me more, I feel like nothing with ever change and I'll stagnate here until I die.

Moving on.  I went to the cardiologist this week and it was a terrible visit.  Beyond the fact that it took forever, Memphis was really difficult for the entire time.  Care1st sent me a taxi for transportation, there and back...to LA!  The total for both trips was over $400.  I'm glad I didn't have to pay for that out of pocket, but what a waste on their part.  Of course I got bad news.  I always get bad news at the doctor anymore.  I've lost so  much weight that there isn't enough skin to cover my device anymore and it's migrating out.  Meaning, my skin is so thin covering it, that literally at any given moment I could stretch the wrong way and the skin could tear exposing my pacemaker.  I have very little time to put some weight back on or they will replace the device that I've only had a little over 2 years.  They last on average 6 years, so I don't need a new device per se, just one that isn't about to pop out of my skin.  You can actually SEE where the leads feed out of the device and up to my collar bone.  It's fun times.  I was told that if I even got a cat scratch over it that I MUST go to the hospital immediately for antibiotics to avoid an infection of the pocket.  With a different doctor but while I'm making medical admissions, I'll go ahead and tell everyone that I did indeed have a pilonidal cyst.  It was confirmed that the huge bruising over the small of my back and my butt cheeks that lasted months along with the golf ball sized lump at the top of my butt crack was for sure a pilonidal.  Again, not good news.  It's better at the moment, but the next time it flairs, I'll need it surgically removed at worst and at the best, lanced and antibiotics.  Fun times.

On another subject, we had a cat swap go on in our house.  We had a bunch of cats to begin with.  Part of the joy of being a home owner with several adults is, you can have over the "legal" limit of cats if you keep them all licensed under different adults, so say I have three, my mom does the same, and six is legal.  Or at least, that's how we justify it.  Keep in mind, there were 8 when we all moved in together.  My neighbors are awful, and the one next door to the north, hates cats.  She keeps traps in her backyard and sends them to the pound or the man down the street comes and kills them for her before the pound gets here and they dispose of them.  All of our cats are indoor cats and have a screened in patio to get their fresh air, but a few of them had a habit of sneaking out when my big Bear dog would let herself out the back screen door and it would stick open.  Over the course of a few weeks, we were down by 4 cats.  So a few days after my mom's favorite cat EZ just disappears, a little boy brings 2 small black and white kittens to the door and tells my mom that if we can't take them that mean miss from next door will get them cuz the momma cat is in his backyard so would we please please save these baby cats?  My mom makes sure that's the case and so, we have two new kittens.  But we still have less than we started with, and one of the ones we lost was my little Merlin.  I really loved that little cat and I'll miss him very much.  But if you see new kittens in my newsfeed, or here or whatever, please try not to judge me, I don't make all the decisions here, some are made for me and I just  make the best of what I have to work with.

That's really just it, I make the best of what I have to work with, and maybe I'm not doing it the way I'm supposed to.  Maybe I'm not doing anything the way I'm supposed to, but I don't have an instruction book to tell me how to handle what's in my head or what goes on around me.  I guess, beyond anything else I'm just so damn lonely for some adult interaction that doesn't include someone judging me, or being upset with me over silly shit, or feeling like I'm just not good enough for anyone to want to be friends with any more. I really feel like this even with the people at home!  I guess I have some serious self esteem issues.  I just feel broken.

Until next time (and hopefully I'll feel happier!)....
J

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