It's that time of year again. All hallow's eve and I haven't written a post in way too long. I've been having some personal issues. Yes, again. I know, I have them a lot. I can't even begin to describe how hard the last few weeks has been at home. Financial shit backing up again, the hubs and I constantly fighting, the kids running amuck. It's just been about as crazy as I'd ever hope it to be, except I don't hope for it. I want it to calm the hell down. I'm having issues with my mom still too. I love her, she's my mom, so of course I do, but HOLY JEEZ she's driving me up a wall. My cat that I'd had since before Mac was born died in part because she was lactose intolerant and my mother REFUSED to stop giving her milk. She basically crapped her guts out until she just died. There was no point in taking her to the vet either, because we knew what it was and my mom still refused to believe it. She'd stop with the milk for a few weeks, the cat would get all better, stop crapping blood, and then sure enough she'd give her a big bowl of milk and it'd start all over again.
So she died, and it broke my heart a little more, and that was just a few days after my mother accused me of overtaking my meds because I had a migraine and was throwing up one day. I have chronic migraines, that's why I take migraine medicine prescribed by a doctor...duh! That and I'm not the one running out of meds every month, she is. We also discovered she's not been taking her thyroid medicine. Considering she doesn't have a working thyroid, if she doesn't take it, she'll die. She had a bottle that was filled in JULY that was still more than half full. Thing is, if my darling husband was doing his job, he'd have known that. But he's not. He's too busy making my life miserable to do that lately. Everything I say he gets defensive over, and I have no idea why. I'm sick, I can't help it. I didn't wake up one day and decide to have heart failure or Brugada or Fibromyalgia, or the migraines, or RA, or the other crap, or the incredible weight loss that has turned me into a skeleton. I didn't pick any of this, and what happened to in sickness and in health? I suppose I could have warned you that this was one of THOSE posts huh? Well, I need to vent and here is the only place I've got.
I'm so lonely for positive adult interaction it's pathetic. I don't have very many positive people in my life and the ones I do I feel like all I ever do is complain because I just have so much to complain about. I know the saying if you can't be happy with what you have, you'll never be happy with what you're going to get. I even understand it, but it's really hard to remember sometimes. Especially when I'm constantly being reminded of what I don't have. Like food. That goes in to my why I am so frustrated with my mother category. She is like an eating machine. She eats everything that is not nailed down and thinks that her colostomy bag gives her the right to do so. While I've lost over a hundred pounds since we moved in here, she's steadily gained weight. All while making these little comments about how I must be so much taller than her because she "weighs the same amount" and can't fit in to the same size as me. I guess she doesn't realize that my husband goes to the doctor with her and I know she outweighs me by like 40 pounds (and is at least 4 inches shorter). It's that crazy here. If she sees something to eat and she thinks I might want it, she eats it. I actually have to hide food in my bedroom to be able to have anything at all that isn't made at dinner time. Even then, we have to shop day to day so she doesn't eat half the ingredients before dinner. Worst part? We pay for all the food. So I'm paying out like $1000 plus a month in food and even my kids food isn't safe. We catch her feeding the boys milk to the cats, cheese to them, anything they will eat.
Years ago, they thought she had a stroke. The truth is, I can't find anywhere in her medical records that says she did, but it's easier to say that to people that to say "she takes enough ativan to kill a horse and forgets what the fuck she ate five minutes ago". My husband took away her pills for a day. She called her doctor and told him that my husband wasn't giving her any meds, so he chickened out and gave them right back to her. No one monitors them, and she takes so much to get high it's insane. It'd knock out a bull elephant.
Moving on. Samhain is usually a time of happiness for me and I just couldn't get into it this year, I just got too caught up in my whateverness to be able to get super involved in it. The kids didn't really dress in costume so much as painted their faces, and in truth, masks and face paint were traditionally the way people dressed up for Samhain in the good old days. As I write this, the boys are still out trick or treating. I'm watching Carrie with my daughter and fighting off a headache for the 5th day in a row. They've been bad with all the stress and my bad moods. And the weather is changing, so my bones hurt oh so bad. It's just been one of those years...again. My good old ticker isn't working very well either and I found mold in my oxygen concentrator so I can't use it and I'm stuck with my portables until I get a new machine :( and they are all almost empty, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
So this has been one big blog o bitchfest and I apologize for that, but I really needed to get it out in a bad way. And that is what this blog is for sometimes, so this is what I do. I write to get it out, because I can't keep it bottled up anymore! On that note, I'm going to go watch this movie, and wait until the boys bring me back candy to steal ;)
Until next time...