Thursday, March 8, 2012

Been too long

  So if you've read the previous posts, you know two things about me. 1. I rarely use correct grammar/typing/spacing/whatever, so if you're a post nazi, you're probably hating me. 2. I suck at consistency. The thing is, I thought that I'd have more time. I thought when I started this blog, I'd make an entry every few days or so, tell my story and that would be it. Didn't happen. If you look back to the 1st post, you'll remember when I started this blog I was pregnant.

  Well, I'm not now. My little peanut is 8 months old now, and he brings my total of kids up to 4. I had my tubes tied during the c section so for sure no more for me! Ok, so moving on, I left off at my first miscarriage. I moved on from it, hoping and praying that since I'd gotten pregnant I could again, but knowing that it was risky. It took a while, and we had moved so I'd had some stress, but I ended up pregnant again. However, this pregnancy happened right after my brother had died and I was in a ton of emotional pain to go with my physical problems.  

  Fibromyalgia has a tendency to be rather dormant during pregnancy, but mine was not. I was constantly sick and had some bleeding early on but the little guy was sticking around we thought. I made it to 19 weeks 5 days and then my water broke. He was born on October 1, 2004 weighing in at just under 500 grams. He was a perfect little boy. He didn't survive the delivery, he was just too early. We gave him his middle name after my brother, the only one of my children that do not share their initials. I was broken. I was done. I thought I could not bear the agony and that I would perish. As you can see I did not.

   By Christmas, I was more like myself. Had lost all the weight, had physically recovered from the terrible delivery. During that delivery I had hemorrhaged and came very close to needing a transfusion. Anyway, by spring, we'd decided to try to have a baby this time, instead of risking an accidental pregnancy, that we'd plan it. So I quit smoking, I started taking vitamins and vitex, and took care of my body. By May I was pregnant. That whole pregnancy, I walked on eggshells. I didn't buy anything until the baby was viable and could live without me. My mom refused to acknowledge my pregnancy and we grew very distant. In January, we welcomed our second son. Healthy and my biggest baby. NOT big by most people's standards for babies, he was a little over 7 pounds. I was thrilled. We were all happy. My little family felt complete.

   And so we were a family of 5. He was a perfect baby for the most part, so clean, no spit up, no shit stained clothes, he was so cute too! Not that he's not now, he totally is, but he's a pain in the ass too. I had honestly thought that as much as I loved babies at that point that I was totally done. I made an appt to get my tubes tied, but when it was time for me to sign, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So here ends my installment for today, I do plan to continue when I can though, because really, even if no one ever reads this blog, I feel better having written it LOL!!!! Until next time :)
J

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