Sunday, March 11, 2012

The professional patient...

  When I left off last time, I was just coming home with my ICD.  I recovered rather well, but one thing that sucked was not being able to lift my left arm above shoulder height for 3 months.  Quite difficult when you have a 2 year old LOL!  So over the course of the next year, I learned everything I could about cardiac issues.  Learned what was available at the time about Brugada.  Learned some horrible statistics that led me to believe I wouldn't last more than a few more years. 

  As time went on, and son #2 grew bigger, I got better.   At one point, my ejection fraction (the force with which your heart pumps blood out) was normal.  Almost unheard of with the ef I had before diagnosis.  I also had all my kids checked.  EKG only though, I am still unwilling to subject them to eps until they are older.  My daughter will be 18 in May, so I would like her to have one soon, but she is resistant.  Anyway, I also became kind of a professional patient.  It seemed like all I did was take care of the kids and go to the doctor.  In fact, that WAS all I did. 

  I grew more agoraphobic the more time went on.  I stayed on my meds and decided that I would just deal with life the way it was.  I didn't think I'd ever change my way of thinking.  I really haven't I guess.  I'm one of the only people I know that is ok to just sit at home and not go anywhere...ever.  Time went on, "life" went on.  I longed for another baby but was told by my cardiologist that it was not advised.  I longed to be pregnant again, to feel a baby move inside me, to breastfeed again.  

  Eventually, I worked up the nerve to talk to my hubby about it, to ask him his thoughts.  I knew it was a risk.  I knew it was stupid, selfish and horrible of me to even ask.  It was what I wanted.  My husband has a habit of not telling me no.  So, we went to my primary care dr and asked him his thoughts.  He didn't see much of a problem with it as I was doing so well at the time, so we stopped using birth control.  We didn't "try", we just didn't try to prevent.  The longer I stayed off of bc, the more I figured it just wasn't meant to be, so as disappointed as I was, I gave up hoping that I would ever have another baby. 

  Around Halloween, I resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to get what I wanted and we just gave up.  We got to a point that we didn't even look at a calendar or anything.  I had an app on my ipod that was like a period tracker, and in November it started sending me alerts that I was late.  I'm not terribly regular or anything, so a few days here and there are no biggie to me, I didn't worry about it.  Ten or so days late, I told my hubby I was late and he went to the store and picked up a test.  I was scared to take it.  He laughed at me and told me there were only 2 ways it could go.  He gave me a glass of water and went about his day.

  I worked up the nerve to take it and I didn't even set it down on the counter before it came up positive.  Lo and behold, I was pregnant, my wish had come true.  The next morning, I called my pcp and got the lab sheet to have it confirmed with a blood test and by Weds of that week, I had my verification.  So I will leave off for there for now, and I will post again at the next available opportunity!!  Until next time...
J

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