Monday, June 18, 2012

Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all...

I didn't realize how much I'm like my mother until today.  After spending all day every day with her over the last week I have caught myself using her facial expressions, her mannerisms and even my voice sounds like her.  I don't understand how it happened!  One day I was me, the next I'm morphing into her. 

I've also realized I'm in the anger stage of grief with my grandmother.  Now, keep in mind I never finished grieving my step dad, who I didn't get along with the last few years but I know he loved me the best way he could.  In the process of cleaning out his room and the other areas of the house I've found countless items I know were meant for me.  Quite a few meant for my kids as well.  I really think that he was so angry at me getting pregnant with Memphis because he was scared they'd lose me and he loved me too much.  In the depths of this house I've found treasures for all of us except him.  Even R has found a few things we know were meant for him.  It's strange to see that he really was crazy and it wasn't just an act.  I understand more now than I ever did before.  And I loved him.  I didn't like him much most of the time but I loved him.  I got two sets of parents, and now I'm back down to just my mom and my dad, the steps are gone.  For that I am sad.

Back to my anger, I want to slap my grandma for leaving my mom in this mess.  For all the years my mom paid the mortgage while my grandma paid the utilities here, she was never allowed to make this her house.  Here I am now making it mine.  When did it ever get to be hers?  Never, that's when.  To go along with that, one of the favorite pieces of furniture is being requested by my uncle.  The only times he calls are about that fucking china hutch.  It's full of MY MOM'S things and mine and he thought he got it all.  My great grandmother's tea pots and jewelry that's been given to me over the years but I didn't take home.  None the less, it's hard to realize how much my mom is giving up to not be alone.  I'm doing my best to keep it her house too and I hope I succeed in that. 

I've discovered that our tastes are very similar in movies too because when we started unpacking the dvds there are tons of duplicates!  I'm not talking 2 or 3, I'm talking like 25 or so.  I also know where I got my weird mail hoarding thing, I never throw mail away.  There are tons of bags of mail between the two of us, and then add my grandma's 40 years of shit too and we're up to our eyeballs in crap we don't need.

Side note, I took the Phiz man in the pool for the first time today.  The water was a little cold for my liking but he didn't stay in long so I think it was ok.  Our big Bear dog loves to swim and jumps in with the kids all the time so I had to keep her in, but it was fun.  I'm going to get some pics of that as soon as I can.  All in all it's been a good week here, and my mom is way less irritating than I thought she'd be.  Don't get me wrong, I love the shit outta her, but she's a bit eccentric and hard to keep up with sometimes.  But it's been good.  I love it here.  There are so many memories that make me feel happy that it cancels out the bad.  I'll get it in shape with the help of my wonderful family.  I love them more than I can explain. 

Until next time...
J

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