Saturday, April 21, 2012

The loss is my own...

  Well, it's another day, and really I wish that I could turn back the clock a bit.  My grandmother passed away on Weds, and I'm still in shock.  That situation was very strange, I don't even know where to begin. 

  My mom and step father had a very rocky marriage for the most part.  He dealt with some pretty major mental illness and my mom did the best she could but there were times he was off his meds and they could not be together.

   One of those times about 10 or so years ago, she moved in with my Gram.  The house has been owned by my Gram since it was built in '62 so it's where my mom finished growing up.  My Gram could afford to live alone, but in the area we live, my mom couldn't find anything she could afford on her own so she moved in there. 

  Anyhoo...eventually, they got back together and she moved her husband in with them.  So it's my Gram's house, but my mom and step dad lived there as kind of like room mates.  My step dad died new year's eve in the bathroom upstairs.  So it was a horrible thing for my poor mom to deal with.  

  A few months ago, maybe a month after he passed, my Gram fell and broke her tailbone and eventually ended up in a short term care facility before she went back home.  While there, they diagnosed her with severe dementia (which was total news to us cuz she acted totally normal to us and we saw her all the time!) and when she got back home she was so doped up she was incontinent. 

  My almost 16 year old son took weeks out of school to help my mom care for her.  My mom is not at all well herself and should have hired someone to come in but hadn't quite gotten there yet.  I didn't think she'd die.  I didn't think my son would be the last person to care for her besides my mom.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I never will.  My son is an amazing boy.  I take that back, an amazing MAN.  I don't have any clue what I'd do without him.  Right now, he's at my mom's helping her stay sane, helping make sure she eats, and helping find the will and life insurance paperwork.

   I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now because I can't get past what I'M feeling.  I can't imagine my life without her and I know that seems stupid, ppl lose grandparents all the time.  This lady was my rock though.  So now we're faced with the probability that we'll have to move there so my mom won't lose the house.  I think that's what I want though.  I don't like my house.  I don't like the neighborhood.  I hate that I rent and I know that my best chance of being a home owner is to move there because when my mom passes on it'll become mine so long as she still has it.  I know that makes me selfish, I do.  I hate myself for it.  I think, for today I'm going to close because I have to be honest it's too much for me and I need to go bury myself in something mindless.  Until next time...

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