Basically, the desire to be alone. Completely and utterly alone for a while. I love my kids, I love my family, but I'm struggling. I'm dealing with so much that I just can't manage to get a grip on even one thing and get control over a portion of any of my life. Yep, it's one of those posts. I don't know why I get like this. I think part of it is my drops in a bucket theory and my bucket just gets full and sloshes onto my shoes and it makes me mad that my shoes got wet. It's not just the one little thing, it's the everything combined that turn me into the monster. The yeller as the kids would say. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud that I keep losing my shit, but I do. I even probably possess the coping mechanisms to not act like a tool, but I don't use them.
I live in a house with an adult child that is not finished with school, has no concrete plans TO finish, unless I set it up for her and even then I'll probably have to make her do the damn work. She has virtually no chores in the house and the few she does have, she doesn't do. The next one down does stuff. Half assed stuff that I almost always have to re do or have him re do while he's telling me what a great job he did and how it's my fault it got messed up. These two also tell me that I expect and demand them to live up to unbelievably high standards. All they care about is being unbelievably high on my medical marijuana.
Then you step down to the 8 year old and I don't even know where to go there yet. He tantrums like a toddler, he's been getting bullied at school, he won't brush his teeth and he refuses to eat and drink anything off his set list of food. The next one down is the little one. Still nursing, still has major separation issues. I can't even take a shit alone. I haven't been to the bathroom alone for twenty years. That part is wearin real damn thin. But this is in the name of motherhood. I knew that I was signing on for this, and for this, I will graciously (ok, or not) take my dues.
My husband on the other hand is just a self centered, self serving moron. When we got married, there was never any sex deal. Nothing like if things got slow, there'd be some kind of prodding to get things moving again. Nope. Frankly, he just doesn't care. He never has. He didn't care when I was on Depo/Provera shots and had an eleven MONTH period and didn't feel real sexy most of the time. He didn't particularly care when I was put on pelvic rest (no sex) during two pregnancies. He just doesn't care, if it's not about him and his dick, he doesn't care. What I mean by that is...HE DOESN'T CARE HOW I FEEL, IF HE WANTS SEX, HE DAMN WELL BETTER GET IT OR HE WILL TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL HE DOES. And it doesn't matter what my health is like at the time. He does not care if it's because my heart is not well and I just can't catch my breath "don't ya know he'll do all the work", he doesn't care if I've twisted my back picking up a kid cuz "don't ya know he'll do all the work", he doesn't care if I've got a pilonidal cyst that is encroaching on my spinal canal to the point that I'm having a hard time walking because, you guessed it, "he'll do all the work ya know". I'm sure to a lot of you this is way too much information. but SHOCKINGLY I do not have any real life friends to talk to. Like none. Not a damn one in my every day life that I could have a conversation like this about.
But this is causing me to feel so worthless is all other areas. Everywhere. I'm not even pretty in the face anymore and all men ever want from me is to get them off. When does what I want come in to play if ever? When is is ever going to matter how much it hurts to know that I'm not married because he loves me, but because he thought I'd be a convenient piece of ass and now that I'm not, he barely talks to me. He says I don't treat him like I love him and he doesn't feel loved and cared for. I don't either, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about that part. Lately, I'm pretty sure he just doesn't care much about me at all.
I've gotten myself as depressed as I can for now, so I'm going to leave off here.
Until next time...