The myth of the perfect baby

Well, it's that time of year again, the holiday season.  Yay.  I love the holidays (note the massive sarcasm there).  I don't look forward to them, in fact I can't wait until they are over.  I can't stand the fact that they are all about how much money you can spend, especially considering I never have any.  As always I get to start this season off with a fucking bang.  My dog had puppies about 2 weeks ago (12 days to be exact) and as much as I KNOW I'm a terrible pet owner for not having them fixed yet, shit happens and now I have to suck it up and deal with it. Seven of them, and the best thing I can say is that at least she didn't have them in the middle of the night and all of them lived. Moving on, holidays starting with a bang, but not that it matters because no one ever comes here anyway so I could have a zillion puppies and no one would know about it.  I'm not sure why exactly, I guess I give off a "don't come to my house" kind ...

I'm what they call a "kitchen witch", meaning I keep most of my witchy supplies in my kitchen.  I do keep a rubbermaid type box of some supplies in my bedroom though, with a few special items that don't normally go in a kitchen, like bags of stones and crystals, my altar cloth and my tarot decks.  My dumb huge dog knocked the box over a few days ago and I had just pushed it back into it's spot and threw the lid back on loose thinking I'd put it right next time I thought about it.  That was this morning.  One thing I keep in there, and I'm not sure why, is a memory box I was given when I was discharged from the hospital in 2004.  That box contains what little I have of MacKenzie Zane, my lost angel.  He was born extremely premature, just shy of what the hospital he was delivered at considered viable. My water broke, and although it was a long and excruciating labor and it is a very long and painful story to tell, I can not tell it now.  Needless to sa...

Yeah, I know I have them a lot.  I had this whole post started like a week ago about my beautiful daughter, but I can't seem to get it right.  I just am not doing her or our story any justice so I have that on hold and have just decided to start anew today.  I'm desperately trying to put my shit together and it's just not working.  I'm very much missing my friend, who I don't believe I've mentioned here before.  He's a wonderful man I met on the internet.  Odd, I know, you generally don't meet normal people online, but this guy is a gem.  I don't get to talk to him nearly as often as I'd like to and he's about the only voice of reason in my insane world because he's objective.  He doesn't know my family from anyone, but is always able to give me good advice, even when it's to kick me in the ass and tell me that I need to get over myself.  I'm also missing my sister in law who is not my sister in law.  Strange story I guess...

Yeah, so I feel like a fucking loser again today.  I don't want to leave my room.  The best description I have is that I want to go home and I have no home to go to.  This doesn't feel like home.  It just feels like somewhere I'm staying.  I don't want to cook in that tiny little kitchen with my grandmother's things that I might god for fucking bid ruin or break.  Glass things break here all the time.  Skeptics be warned, you can believe me or not, I don't give a shit, but this house is haunted.  Or I am, I don't know which (or should it be witch, lol?).  These dark feelings creep up on me so quickly it's scary sometimes.  I think they need to up my meds.  In all seriousness though, this whole not feeling at home here thing really sucks.  I want to be able to feel like I'm home here.  I used to feel that way.  I pretty much grew up in this house, so it's almost painful to me that I feel so unwelcome here.  I'm ...

I totally admit it, I have a flair for the dramatic.  Most people already know this about me I imagine.  Or maybe not.  I don't know.  Anyway, I feel better than I did the last time I posted I guess.  Not by a fuck of a lot, but I'm trying.  If I don't force myself to be "normal" to a degree I'll just lay here and die and I can't do that to my kids so I'm putting effort into not being depressed. In all truth I DO have a few reasons that I might be depressed though, so it's not like I just woke up one day and went "hmmm, I think I'll just whack out for no reason". Moving on, Max and I have been growing and creating left and right, I don't have too many pics of such things but I'll tell you a few.  We have some black coleus that just sprouted, I'll post pics as soon as you can tell what they are.  We've been trying to be in the pool a bit more :)  The water is too cold for my liking this end of the summer but next su...

I don't know who I am today.  I know that sounds cryptic and strange, but I don't.  I know I'm someone's mother, I know I'm someone's wife, and I know I'm someone's daughter but beyond that I have no idea who "I" am.  I used to be pretty, I used to be funny, I used to be happy, I used to be someone.  I used to be able to go places and do things.  I used to be... I don't know when it changed exactly or who I turned into.  I'm not sure what caused it all.  I'm not even sure I know what to call it.  I do know I haven't left my bedroom to do more than go to the bathroom since day before yesterday.  I didn't even go downstairs yesterday.  I haven't yet today either.  It's tense here.  There is friction I can't explain.  There has been so much grief in this last year that maybe that's it, I don't know.  If it weren't for my husband, my kids would have starved to death the last little while because I don...

I figured that I would post a tutorial here because I've been doing all kinds of fun shit.  Sewing mostly, but my 6 year old wanted some bath crayons and we had all the stuff here. First we took a plain bar of ivory soap and grated it up. Then we added about a half a cup of hot water. My six year old didn't want to get his hands "icky" so I tried to stir with a spoon but it didn't work very well so I had to knead it with my hands. His favorite color of the day is orange, so we added a few drops of red food coloring and a few drops of yellow.  I mixed it again and got it ready to put in the muffin tin. It made about 6 muffin tin shaped crayons because we couldn't find the cookie cutters and frankly, I didn't give a crap what shape they were since they'll end up all over my shower walls anyway. The instructional that I have says that it takes 2 days to dry, but I have them on my patio that's about 106 degrees right now so I'm pretty...